So, I turned 17 on Saturday.
For some reason that has become something that is extremely odd for me to try to grasp. 17 is still young, it’s terribly young, but yet it shocks me that a whole year has passed again. And honestly, this was quite a year.
Yesterday morning at Church my friend Jess came up to me and jokingly asked, “so, do you feel older?” And I thouht about her question and said, “no, I don’t feel older, but I feel different. It’s weird to think that a whole year has gone by and I’m not too sure if I’m proud of the past year.” And she just looked at me and said “Hmm…” I kind of wish I would’ve answered her question differently. It’s not that my whole year of being 16 was one that I was fully unproud of; even though I struggled off and on with sin, some other things [not necessarily bad things] happened as well. I guess it was an unexpected year.
I don’t feel older… I feel different.
I keep being asked, “how was your birthday?” and the answer I keep giving is, “fine” or “it was okay.” There’s so much thought behind those answers even though those answers themselves aren’t thoughtful. The past 3 days were spent fully on wondering why I wasn’t completely proud of the past year, looking back at the way God stretched me in ways I thought were unimaginable, contemplating the tons of people that I met and their stories, reflecting on what burdens God had brought into my life. Honestly, it’s so weird to think that so much can happen in only 365 days. That doesn’t seem that long, really.
I’m not afraid of this year ahead; infact, I’m eager to see what God has in store and what He allows. This past year has made me realize evenmore that He is not a predictable God, in the sense that we sometimes don’t know what He’s going to allow or what He has planned.
So… I feel different, I grew some, I was stretched some.
I finally began to truly cherish friendships with people my own age; I’ve always leaned towards people who are older then me. I learned that white-water-rafting won’t kill me no matter how fearful I am; well, atleast the first time of experiencing it. I began writing 2 books. I learned that I had a great amount of bitterness towards my Dad because of my childhood. I learned that forgiving someone is truly freeing. I learned that I must try to reconcile relationships even when it feels like I’m the only one trying and willing. I learned that I struggle off and on with slight depression. I learned that I view, even the word “depression” as weakness. I found out that I truly love my family and cherish them. I found that my 9 neices and nephews grow up fast and that it makes me cry. I realized that it my deepest time of hurt and confusion I ran to God. One of my siblings tried to commit suicide. I almost lost the person in my life that I’m closest to. I’ve realized that I find myself on the floor face down weeping and praying when I’m most broken or desperate. I noticed that I truly am blessed with my Church family. I was blessed with new and amazing friendships and I haven’t been able to say that for years. I took 2 cooking classes. I learned that I sometimes pull myself away from something new because I doubt myself. I learned that I like some Chinese foods. I felt what it means to really miss someone. I went for a year without seeing my best friend – states away makes that a sad fact. I let go of the dream of becoming a musician. I’ve cried myself to sleep more this year than I ever have in my lifetime. I wondered if I fell too far away from God. I’ve learned that I’m super weak. I’ve learned that with Christ I’m strong.
I’ve decided that I want to go to Bryan College. I thought that maybe I would re-plan my trip to India through Gospel For Asia for the Summer after I graduate. I began to speak about Modern-Day Slavery and even contacted a Congressman. I fought for a petition about Modern-Day Slavery. I felt like I wasted my summer and wept on my Kitchen floor over it. I decided that I want to be a foster mom at some point in my life after befriending a family full of foster kids. This Summer I met 3 new friends from India, one who was even involved in Gospel For Asia. I met a Hindu who shunned me after he heard I was a Christian.
God gave me a sometimes unbearble burden over India & also Modern Day Slavery.I got fearful that sin was going to lead me to falling away from Christ – then I prayed instead of allowing myself to think that over and over again. I thought about going counceling. I began to believe that clouds are painted against the sky and not actual moving created things. I realized that I really hate it when people joke about drugs. I cried when I thought no one was looking. Had my friend Renny from India grasp my hands and look me in the eyes and say, “You can go to India, but know that you may not make it, you may not come back” it made me even more fearful. I’ve prayed to God almost weekly that my sibling who tried to commit suicide will still be there when I wake up in the morning. I began to love wearing flats. I started liking skinny jeans. I’ve made myself question why I believe what I believe. I learned about William Wilberforce and Zach Hunter. I’ve realized that I really really really miss writing music. I began to write poetry. I’ve re-learned that Tennessee is my favorite state. I wanted to learn to play the drums. Felt fear. Felt like I’ve succeeded. I felt left out. I’ve questioned if someone meant more to me then I did to them. I watched God change me. I watched the struggle with sin change me. I struggled with nightmares about India & also Modern-Day Slavery.I prayed and wept over the Hindi man who shunned me. My morals challenged a teacher of mine and he decided to stop cussing in class.
I learned that at some point I want to live in India, not only go for mission trips through GFA. As much as I convince myself that the world’s view of me means nothing to me, I’ve realized that at times it really does. I learned that I try to defend my sin and myself before God. I realized that I don’t have a defense when I’m before Him. I went on a missions trip to Tennessee. A homeless man changed my life and made me weep. I cried over India countless times. I prayed for a young girl I love but have never met. An adult man told me that he looked up to me. My 5th neice was born, which makes 9 neices and nephews. I went horse-back riding. I almost when bungee jumping. I learned to trust fully that God is near even when I want to doubt it. I’ve learned that my days don’t feel the same if I don’t spend time with God in the mornings like I like to. I got furious with God. I realized that I probably don’t have a right to be angry with God. I questioned if God was only angry at me. I feared God’s anger. I realized God is graceful and merciful. I’ve become unafraid of being vunerable and saying, “Be near me God and help me.”
This year was so full… it was full of brokenness, hope, restoration, frusteration, meeting new people, burdens for slaves and India, meeting friends from India. May the year to come be even more.
Teresa
