Today is simply GOOD. I’m sitting in my room looking out the window. The shining sun is creating shadows of twigs from bushes dancing across my drawn curtains. The grass outside is actually beginning to turn green; the brown “grass” is finally being covered. Signs of Spring my friends! And Bethany Dillon is singing in my ears ‘You change me/ You change me/ Thank You Jesus, I can see You change me.’ I’m trying to let the beauty of all of this sink in… there’s no explanation for this peace in me other than Jesus. These past few weeks have been crazy; they have WRECKED me.
I’ve wanted to write for the past few weeks but one thing has kept me from it. Truth be told: I was struggling with a private sin for about 2 1/2 weeks. One that only a friend of mine and my sister knew about. I have yet to gain the courage to tell anyone what the sin is; but I talked to one friend about it often. On Easter, at Church, I told her that I had never felt the battle between Spirit and flesh so real!
Those 2 1/2 weeks left me dealing with more doubt, guilt, shame, anger and selfishness than I probably have at any other time. I felt so much weight and pressure to just pull it together; and I asked myself often if my desire was truly God or my flesh. Asking myself that made me completely uncomfortable… why? Because I thought I had become okay with my sin. I was knowingly sinning against God and asking myself if my desire was God or my flesh. I told my friend that this sin of mine was a sin that was from my past; and that did more than just scare me. I told her that I felt that since this sin was from my past that I was heading back into that direction… she didn’t agree, and I’m glad. *grin* She told me that since that sin was from my past than Satan had an easier attack on me; since I’ve already commited that sin my flesh found it easier to commit again. Her words changed my mind.
Honestly though; I had never felt so stuck. I felt like this sin was something that I wasn’t going to get away from. I kept giving in… falling, giving in… falling, almost giving up… falling. I kept fighting it with my own strength, and I’m not that strong. It’s real friends, the battle between Spirit and flesh is real!
And why is today simply good? I know the above doesn’t sound all that great. *grin* But, today is simply good because today I told my friend Caroline that I feel alittle free-er, that I feel relieved and like a weight has been lifted. Last night I spent time before God just weeping… if you walked in I’d probably look a bit pathetic to you… just laying on my bed like I was at the feet of Jesus, just weeping and praying… and weeping some more.
Truth be told: He isn’t just angry, He isn’t pushing me away, He doesn’t want me to fight alone, He doesn’t want me to give in and give up, His love hasn’t grown cold. He’s merciful, I’m the one who pushes Him away and yet He still calls me to Him, He wants to fight for me with His strength, He wants me to realize the truth of His character and not the lies I’ve tended to believe. He wants to pick me up and dust me off and allow me to be the one who falls at His feet with the perfume, tears and hair… and tell me that I’ve been forgiven. It makes me weep, because it’s TRUE. It’s SAVING me and it’s CHANGING me. He is changing me! It sounds foolish and rediculous, this sinless, pure God has always wanted to SAVE me from my sin and change me! It sounds foolish, it doesn’t make sense, but it changes me.
Thank you Jesus! It’s been a hard, battle-filled, depressing… yet, interesting, heart-softening, mind-changing few weeks with Him in this.
A few days ago a new friend of mine told me that she used to struggle with the sin of doubt a lot. She said that only one person knows about it; but that she struggled with it for 12 years, (I gasped when she said that!) She said that for 12 years she doubted if she was truly God’s if her salvation was real… I’d think that doubt was also accompanied by fear. During this past 2 weeks friends, doubt and fear were things that had become unwanted friends of mine. They are both things that I’ve struggled with off and on; but I literally had a huge fear that my current sin was changing who I was in Christ – I feared that I was no longer His. …One sin leads to another, eh?
But friends, it’s good. Today is simply GOOD.
I hope that all makes sense… I felt scattered, unsure of what words were next. It’s good! I’m out if this battle that I’ve been fighting for 2 1/2 weeks because I trusted HIM and I fell to His feet.
Thank You Jesus!
Monday, March 31, 2008
Friday, March 14, 2008
Something Foriegn
I haven’t written in a month. How I did it, I don’t know. Why I did it, simply because I didn’t want to write about the struggles and valleys that I faced during the past month. I don’t think I’ve ever grown or struggled so much in such a short amount of time.
To sum up the past 4 or so weeks… I struggled with feeling more distance from God than I ever have, I struggled with more loneliness than I had ever felt. Someone I knew commited suicide, I found out family members of mine were getting abused. I questioned if I was fit for being an abolitionist or if God would really want to use me, I asked God if He was ignoring me or angry with me. I felt too much pressure about school and my grades – so I started allowing certain grades to slip. And then I fell into a sin that I was knowingly commiting against God… it was quite a 4 weeks!
… It had honestly felt as if the sun was hidden beneathe a dark cloud for months at a time, and that my own voice was silent and I forgot that many surrounding me had willing, listening ears.
Tuesday evening I was in the car making my way to a dear friend of mine. Now, Ohio is known for its massive spread of fields and glorious sunsets and sunrises. But, there was something extremely precious about that sunset I had seen when on the road. I felt that God was really grabbing my attention. The wintery fields were beaming with gold and reflecting the sun off of the white snow. And the sky was filled with the brightest orange and yet hints of red, pink, and purple. I was completely overwhelmed, and tears streamed down my face.
The sun was setting, but in my life the sun has been rising… and it’s glorious. =)
Thank you Jesus!
I was with a new and sweet friend of mine yesterday evening. While we were in the car, making our way to Church, we were both talking about where we’ve been. She’s been struggling with many things physically, which many think it’s from a fall she had a few months ago that led to a minor concussion. I can only guess that that physical struggle leads to emotional and spiritual struggles as well. She sat beside me driving and told me that she was really doing well; she was doing well and was exciting about it. I think her and I were both quite stoked to know that!! *grin* And I shared with her a glimpse of where I’ve been for the past several months and told her that the new season I’m in after all of these struggles is giving me a glimpse of peace, and that it honestly feels foriegn. The feeling of peace feels more than alittle foriegn to me. I told her that I’ve been following Christ for almost 3years and yet the past 2 years have been full of struggle and complete peace had been something hard to truly feel, and she said that when we follow Christ is when our true struggle really begins… that made me feel a little less like a loner in that thought! *grin*
Feeling distant from God is leading to trusting that He is near, the well-known struggle of loneliness is turning into a glimpse and reminder that I am truly loved. The struggle of dealing with the suicide is still hard and even harder watching those who were affected in a greater way than I was, my heart is still broken for my family members who were getting abused. I trust that God has me where He wants me with abolition even if I sometimes doubt that He’d want to use me, I know that God never walks away from those who are His own and that His anger lasts only for a moment. I know that with school if I do my best that is all that is really asked of me, and I know that I serve a God who hears my broken and contrite heart when I’m struggling with the guilt of sin.
Its felt as if the sun has been hidden beneathe a dark cloud for months at a time. And the sun was setting Tuesday night. But the sun is rising at the moment that I’ve least expected it. I’m given a glimpse of something so foriegn as peace…. and I can see the Son.
Thank you to those of you who have prayed.
Saturday, February 2, 2008
One Wish: To Be Like Jeremiah
I woke up this morning at 7:30 after re-setting the alarm 2 or 3 times after it first went off at 6:45. Last night when I set my alarm for 6:45 right before going to sleep around 11, I thought I’d be eager to get out of bed about a half-hour earlier then I normally do on Saturdays. But, this morning I was anything but eager, (which isn’t normal – I love early mornings and having hours of quiet and time to myself before others are up) my body just longed to be in bed. I must admit though, it felt good under the warm covers. :)
I just had some much needed time with Jesus this morning. I spend time reading the Word and praying every morning, and time in prayer every night. But, it’s beginning to amaze me that I never feel completely fulfilled; not that God doesn’t fulfill me. But, with every morning waking up, I realize that spending time with Him only creates more desire to spend time with Him; it only leaves me desperate for it again. I’ve never come to that point where it’s like “Okay, now I feel completely fulfilled, I’ve learned everything that I have to learn, I’ve come to the point where I can stop.” Friends, I don’t think we are ever going to come to that point. *grin*
One thing that has been circling in my mind during the past… good month, has been the reminder of how unfaithful I am. Just before getting my laptop to start writing, I started thinking about that. And I thought, or maybe I said it outloud (I tend to be one who does that often) “If I had one wish, I’d wish to be like Jeremiah.” Now, I don’t know that if someone told me I had one wish, if that’d be the first thing to come to my mind. But why would I possibly wish to be like Jeremiah? Not because he struggled, not because he’s written about in the Bible, not because he was a prophet…. but, simply because he was faithful.
It’s really not easy to be truly faithful, is it?… I know some of you are like “Well duh Teresa, of course it’s not.” I know, that’s obvious. But, seriously, it’s hard to be truly faithful, to be truly obedient. That seems to be a lesson that I just can’t seem to learn; I seem to keep having a reminder of how unfaithful I am, of just how hard it really is to be truly faithful. Or maybe it’s a lesson that I’m too stubborn to learn.
I feel like I’m stuck in such a spot.
Back to faithful Jeremiah…
Pastor Mike has been teaching on Jeremiah’s life for 13weeks now, off and on. I was reminded this morning just how much I love this mans life – or maybe I just now realized it. Either way, he knew what it meant to be faithful. He’s called by God to be a prophet, to show nations there sin and draw them near to God, and to tell them that if they don’t – they will be punished. Because he does these very things he’s looked at as a fool, he’s pitied, looked down upon. He struggles physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually; and he’s had death threat upon death threat thrown against him. He’s a courageous, yet humble man. He runs even while in the valleys, and even when facing hardship and a curve in the road, he doesn’t give in or give up, he remains faithful.
I’ve longed to be like Jeremiah. The past 2 1/2 months have been terribly hard. Things have been placed in front of me that I’ve never expected. I want to lay it all before God, and realize that my part is only to be faithful… even when I want to give in and give up.
“Be strong, all you people of the land,’ declares the LORD, ‘and work. For I am with you,’ declares the LORD Almighty. ‘This is what I covenanted with you when you came out of Egypt. And My Spirit remains amoung you. Do not fear.’ -Haggai 2: 4-5
I just had some much needed time with Jesus this morning. I spend time reading the Word and praying every morning, and time in prayer every night. But, it’s beginning to amaze me that I never feel completely fulfilled; not that God doesn’t fulfill me. But, with every morning waking up, I realize that spending time with Him only creates more desire to spend time with Him; it only leaves me desperate for it again. I’ve never come to that point where it’s like “Okay, now I feel completely fulfilled, I’ve learned everything that I have to learn, I’ve come to the point where I can stop.” Friends, I don’t think we are ever going to come to that point. *grin*
One thing that has been circling in my mind during the past… good month, has been the reminder of how unfaithful I am. Just before getting my laptop to start writing, I started thinking about that. And I thought, or maybe I said it outloud (I tend to be one who does that often) “If I had one wish, I’d wish to be like Jeremiah.” Now, I don’t know that if someone told me I had one wish, if that’d be the first thing to come to my mind. But why would I possibly wish to be like Jeremiah? Not because he struggled, not because he’s written about in the Bible, not because he was a prophet…. but, simply because he was faithful.
It’s really not easy to be truly faithful, is it?… I know some of you are like “Well duh Teresa, of course it’s not.” I know, that’s obvious. But, seriously, it’s hard to be truly faithful, to be truly obedient. That seems to be a lesson that I just can’t seem to learn; I seem to keep having a reminder of how unfaithful I am, of just how hard it really is to be truly faithful. Or maybe it’s a lesson that I’m too stubborn to learn.
I feel like I’m stuck in such a spot.
Back to faithful Jeremiah…
Pastor Mike has been teaching on Jeremiah’s life for 13weeks now, off and on. I was reminded this morning just how much I love this mans life – or maybe I just now realized it. Either way, he knew what it meant to be faithful. He’s called by God to be a prophet, to show nations there sin and draw them near to God, and to tell them that if they don’t – they will be punished. Because he does these very things he’s looked at as a fool, he’s pitied, looked down upon. He struggles physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually; and he’s had death threat upon death threat thrown against him. He’s a courageous, yet humble man. He runs even while in the valleys, and even when facing hardship and a curve in the road, he doesn’t give in or give up, he remains faithful.
I’ve longed to be like Jeremiah. The past 2 1/2 months have been terribly hard. Things have been placed in front of me that I’ve never expected. I want to lay it all before God, and realize that my part is only to be faithful… even when I want to give in and give up.
“Be strong, all you people of the land,’ declares the LORD, ‘and work. For I am with you,’ declares the LORD Almighty. ‘This is what I covenanted with you when you came out of Egypt. And My Spirit remains amoung you. Do not fear.’ -Haggai 2: 4-5
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Losing Sleeping & Other Things : Part II
If you did not read Part 1 to thinks post... be sure to do so, and then come back and read this. :)
Its taken me longer to write part 2 of the last post than I thought it would have. My weeks had become filled with many things. Every day was scheduled for me last week and this weekend was finally a time I had to settle down. And to be honest with you, I didn't feel like pulling out the laptop and typing this instead of spending some time with close ones, more time with God, and finally getting a decent amount of sleep after 4 1/2 weeks of getting 3-4hrs of sleep each night. Those things seemed more appealing to me. :)
One of the othe reasons I can think of, is because I realize that once I type these words I can't take them back. That once I tell you what the nightmares have been caused by or what this huge passion and burden is; I can't pretend I didn't tell everyone who decides to read this blog. And I'm a bit in stuck in wondering how to go about it... so bear with me.
I'm not sure if many of you have heard of the man, William Wilberforce. 200 years ago he lived in Great Britian and abolished the Trans-Atlantic slave trade in all of the British empire. There is now a movie about this once young man, called "Amazing Grace." It's my favorite movie, if you have not watched it, do!
I heard about this movie a few months ago, somehow I came across it. When I heard about this movie and about William Wilberforce, I also heard about a very young man (he's my age, 16) Zach Hunter. Zach Hunter is a modern-day abolitionist. After a few months of looking into what he does, I became one as well.
Truth is, I'm an abolitionist. Those aren't the words that are hard for me to share... they actually come quit easily to me. The words that are hard for me to share are the ones that are used when describing what abolition and modern-day slavery has changed in my life, what nightmares I have had, what I've struggled with because of this, and what a few people have said to me.
There are atleast 27million slaves in the world, 800,000 of them being in America. Something that was abolished 200 years ago is still being practiced. Men, women and children in other countries are tricked into thinking they can get a job in their countries or America - when really they are being sold into slavery. These same people are working on agricultral plantations, brick kilns, rice mill factories, and young women and girls are being sold into brothels to be tortured and abused daily for the pleasure and amusement of many men.
I sat with all of these thoughts in my mind for weeks... weeks of keeping silent and not sharing any of these things with people. Keeping all of my feelings on this to myself; it hit me in a very personal way. But during my Christmas break I was hit with modern-day slavery in ways that I did not expect. I woke up a few days before Christmas to find myself in a cold sweat, a shaking body, with tears running down my face, and gasping for air. I woke up from a nightmare of seeing faces of those in modern-day slavery. I was so fearful that morning that I couldn't open my bedroom curtain fearing that I'd see the faces that were in my nightmare outside of my window. I kept silent until sometime between Christmas and New Years, then I finally shared this with a few dear people and family members at home.
Only days after sharing this with people I had struggled immensly with this. With these weekly nightmares, nights of no sleep, nights of pacing my room for hours, nights of telling God I didn't understand, weeks of thinking this great passion and unsettling burden was unbearable. But, after weeks of having these things in my company I felt as if Iwasn't doing anything. As if these nightmares, questions, passions, burdens, and nights of no sleep were not enough. I knew clearly that I could not simply change these things, these things that I now struggle with - but that I needed desperately to do something.
So, after a week of thinking and wondering what to do... I mentioned to a fairly new friend of mine, who I've talked to about this often, if I could speak everytime before her band plays at their gigs. Honestly... when she told me yes I told her that I had wished she said no. Because I'm fearful. This passion and burden are greater and more unbearable that I ever thought they would be. A few months ago I didn't even know about the unGodly injustice of modern-day slavery and now its become a huge part of my life. But, even with this fear I am still going to be speaking. I'm stepping out of my comfortzone, because it's not about my comfort, it never has been. Sometimes, I think to honor God, we have to do things that stretch us; things that we could never dream of doing without Him.
If you are a pray-er, I ask that you pray for me. These weekly nightmares, nights of no sleep, spending time with God and weeping bitterly because of this, they haven't ended... and honestly, I'm not sure they will. And I ask that you pray that I'd trust God with this, and also would know that fear should not over take such a passion and burden like this. I truly trust this passion and burden was God-given, I never would have sought out something like this. I'm desperate for prayer friends...
"No matter how loud you shout, you will not drown out the voice of the people!"
"We're too young to realize that certain things are impossible, so we will do them anyway."
"It seems to me, that if there is a bad taste it your mouth you spit it out; you don't constantly swallow it back." -Amazing Grace, movie
Teresa
Its taken me longer to write part 2 of the last post than I thought it would have. My weeks had become filled with many things. Every day was scheduled for me last week and this weekend was finally a time I had to settle down. And to be honest with you, I didn't feel like pulling out the laptop and typing this instead of spending some time with close ones, more time with God, and finally getting a decent amount of sleep after 4 1/2 weeks of getting 3-4hrs of sleep each night. Those things seemed more appealing to me. :)
One of the othe reasons I can think of, is because I realize that once I type these words I can't take them back. That once I tell you what the nightmares have been caused by or what this huge passion and burden is; I can't pretend I didn't tell everyone who decides to read this blog. And I'm a bit in stuck in wondering how to go about it... so bear with me.
I'm not sure if many of you have heard of the man, William Wilberforce. 200 years ago he lived in Great Britian and abolished the Trans-Atlantic slave trade in all of the British empire. There is now a movie about this once young man, called "Amazing Grace." It's my favorite movie, if you have not watched it, do!
I heard about this movie a few months ago, somehow I came across it. When I heard about this movie and about William Wilberforce, I also heard about a very young man (he's my age, 16) Zach Hunter. Zach Hunter is a modern-day abolitionist. After a few months of looking into what he does, I became one as well.
Truth is, I'm an abolitionist. Those aren't the words that are hard for me to share... they actually come quit easily to me. The words that are hard for me to share are the ones that are used when describing what abolition and modern-day slavery has changed in my life, what nightmares I have had, what I've struggled with because of this, and what a few people have said to me.
There are atleast 27million slaves in the world, 800,000 of them being in America. Something that was abolished 200 years ago is still being practiced. Men, women and children in other countries are tricked into thinking they can get a job in their countries or America - when really they are being sold into slavery. These same people are working on agricultral plantations, brick kilns, rice mill factories, and young women and girls are being sold into brothels to be tortured and abused daily for the pleasure and amusement of many men.
I sat with all of these thoughts in my mind for weeks... weeks of keeping silent and not sharing any of these things with people. Keeping all of my feelings on this to myself; it hit me in a very personal way. But during my Christmas break I was hit with modern-day slavery in ways that I did not expect. I woke up a few days before Christmas to find myself in a cold sweat, a shaking body, with tears running down my face, and gasping for air. I woke up from a nightmare of seeing faces of those in modern-day slavery. I was so fearful that morning that I couldn't open my bedroom curtain fearing that I'd see the faces that were in my nightmare outside of my window. I kept silent until sometime between Christmas and New Years, then I finally shared this with a few dear people and family members at home.
Only days after sharing this with people I had struggled immensly with this. With these weekly nightmares, nights of no sleep, nights of pacing my room for hours, nights of telling God I didn't understand, weeks of thinking this great passion and unsettling burden was unbearable. But, after weeks of having these things in my company I felt as if Iwasn't doing anything. As if these nightmares, questions, passions, burdens, and nights of no sleep were not enough. I knew clearly that I could not simply change these things, these things that I now struggle with - but that I needed desperately to do something.
So, after a week of thinking and wondering what to do... I mentioned to a fairly new friend of mine, who I've talked to about this often, if I could speak everytime before her band plays at their gigs. Honestly... when she told me yes I told her that I had wished she said no. Because I'm fearful. This passion and burden are greater and more unbearable that I ever thought they would be. A few months ago I didn't even know about the unGodly injustice of modern-day slavery and now its become a huge part of my life. But, even with this fear I am still going to be speaking. I'm stepping out of my comfortzone, because it's not about my comfort, it never has been. Sometimes, I think to honor God, we have to do things that stretch us; things that we could never dream of doing without Him.
If you are a pray-er, I ask that you pray for me. These weekly nightmares, nights of no sleep, spending time with God and weeping bitterly because of this, they haven't ended... and honestly, I'm not sure they will. And I ask that you pray that I'd trust God with this, and also would know that fear should not over take such a passion and burden like this. I truly trust this passion and burden was God-given, I never would have sought out something like this. I'm desperate for prayer friends...
"No matter how loud you shout, you will not drown out the voice of the people!"
"We're too young to realize that certain things are impossible, so we will do them anyway."
"It seems to me, that if there is a bad taste it your mouth you spit it out; you don't constantly swallow it back." -Amazing Grace, movie
Teresa
Monday, December 31, 2007
Losing Sleep & Other Things : Part I
I’ve been up for over 2 hours now. The sun is slowly rising on the opposite side of the house, but I am finally able to look out my bedroom window and see the sun’s glistening reflection on the houses across the street. Tis good friends. :)
I think I’m going to try to get back to blogging more often. I told myself sometime last week that I was going to start writing in my journal again – last year I wrote in my journal a few times a week, but this year it’s even rare to find my pen-written journal entries once a month. I really don’t know why either. I’m a writer at heart, I love words. I expected myself to finally write more in my journal and blog while I’ve been on Christmas break – but with only 3 more days of break, I still haven’t written in my journal and have only posted two blogs.
To be honest with you, I really have no excuse (not that writing is demanded of me) or reason why I haven’t written. Over the past few weeks I’ve had tons to write and share here and in my journal. I’ve had things that have drastically changed my life, things that I’ve been learning, times spent with dear people, an emotional “meltdown,” and times spent with God that are worth sharing. I have no reason other than maybe I don’t want to take the time to share it, or find the words to explain.
Some of the very things listed above are the things that have left me with very few hours of sleep in the past few weeks. It’s more than just the expected insomnia on my part, this time. I’m normally one to be in bed by 10 or 10:30 everynight, with countless times of waking up during the “wee” hours. But Friday night by 9 o’clock my body was aching and I was terribly tired, but my mind wouldn’t slow down and my heart wouldn’t still. I stayed in my bedroom randomly switching through tv channels, checking things on my laptop, replying to emails, having a heavy heart and a busy mind. I finally laid down in bed after having some time with Jesus at 2am, and still didn’t get to sleep until alittle before 3. For some reason the more tired I got the less easier it was to sleep. And why? Because my mind was busy, jumping from thing to thing, bringing to my attention the things that I need to tend to that I haven’t. Like, the very things that have left me with no sleep…. the thing that has become a passion and burden.
Ahh…. pure joy. (Yes, I am kidding. *grin*)
I am one who normally misses out on sleep when things aren’t going to well – or as I mentioned above, I have too many things to tend to at once. The last few weeks have been insane. Things have happened and I did not expect them to, (not necessarily bad) things that have left me losing hours of sleep in the past 2 weeks, times of weeping bitterly over it, times of pacing my room during late nights thinking heavy upon it, times with God that has left me doing all of the things above, and weekly nightmares during the past few weeks.
Now you are probably thinking: ‘Well, Teresa tell us what thing has led you to lose sleep, have nights of late crying, pacing your room for hours, and weekly nightmares. Tell us!’
Well, the thing is, is that I’m not telling. *grin* I feel like a 10 year old school girl having a secret and saying to one of her ‘friends’ “well I’m not telling you, only I/we can know!” and walking off with one of those grins that leaves you wanting to know even more. Well, I’m not that 10 year old school girl. But, I think this is one of the very reasons I’ve lacked writing. Because there is one thing that I want to share when I write – but I’m hesitant. I’ve started a few blogs that have led me to sharing this very thing, but I’ve deleted them all. Why? To be honest, I don’t know, I’m just hestitant in sharing this. Sharing this very thing that has led to weekly nightmares and nights of no sleep.
Maybe I am more like the 10 year old girl than I thought. ;)
I will share soon friends, I just ask for your prayers first of all. This very thing is a huge passion and burden of mine and has changed my life in certain ways over the past few weeks. I will share soon friends.
(if you did not read my last blog, “Humane,” please do)
More later….
Teresa
I think I’m going to try to get back to blogging more often. I told myself sometime last week that I was going to start writing in my journal again – last year I wrote in my journal a few times a week, but this year it’s even rare to find my pen-written journal entries once a month. I really don’t know why either. I’m a writer at heart, I love words. I expected myself to finally write more in my journal and blog while I’ve been on Christmas break – but with only 3 more days of break, I still haven’t written in my journal and have only posted two blogs.
To be honest with you, I really have no excuse (not that writing is demanded of me) or reason why I haven’t written. Over the past few weeks I’ve had tons to write and share here and in my journal. I’ve had things that have drastically changed my life, things that I’ve been learning, times spent with dear people, an emotional “meltdown,” and times spent with God that are worth sharing. I have no reason other than maybe I don’t want to take the time to share it, or find the words to explain.
Some of the very things listed above are the things that have left me with very few hours of sleep in the past few weeks. It’s more than just the expected insomnia on my part, this time. I’m normally one to be in bed by 10 or 10:30 everynight, with countless times of waking up during the “wee” hours. But Friday night by 9 o’clock my body was aching and I was terribly tired, but my mind wouldn’t slow down and my heart wouldn’t still. I stayed in my bedroom randomly switching through tv channels, checking things on my laptop, replying to emails, having a heavy heart and a busy mind. I finally laid down in bed after having some time with Jesus at 2am, and still didn’t get to sleep until alittle before 3. For some reason the more tired I got the less easier it was to sleep. And why? Because my mind was busy, jumping from thing to thing, bringing to my attention the things that I need to tend to that I haven’t. Like, the very things that have left me with no sleep…. the thing that has become a passion and burden.
Ahh…. pure joy. (Yes, I am kidding. *grin*)
I am one who normally misses out on sleep when things aren’t going to well – or as I mentioned above, I have too many things to tend to at once. The last few weeks have been insane. Things have happened and I did not expect them to, (not necessarily bad) things that have left me losing hours of sleep in the past 2 weeks, times of weeping bitterly over it, times of pacing my room during late nights thinking heavy upon it, times with God that has left me doing all of the things above, and weekly nightmares during the past few weeks.
Now you are probably thinking: ‘Well, Teresa tell us what thing has led you to lose sleep, have nights of late crying, pacing your room for hours, and weekly nightmares. Tell us!’
Well, the thing is, is that I’m not telling. *grin* I feel like a 10 year old school girl having a secret and saying to one of her ‘friends’ “well I’m not telling you, only I/we can know!” and walking off with one of those grins that leaves you wanting to know even more. Well, I’m not that 10 year old school girl. But, I think this is one of the very reasons I’ve lacked writing. Because there is one thing that I want to share when I write – but I’m hesitant. I’ve started a few blogs that have led me to sharing this very thing, but I’ve deleted them all. Why? To be honest, I don’t know, I’m just hestitant in sharing this. Sharing this very thing that has led to weekly nightmares and nights of no sleep.
Maybe I am more like the 10 year old girl than I thought. ;)
I will share soon friends, I just ask for your prayers first of all. This very thing is a huge passion and burden of mine and has changed my life in certain ways over the past few weeks. I will share soon friends.
(if you did not read my last blog, “Humane,” please do)
More later….
Teresa
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Down This Road...
It is insane for me to think that a whole year has passed again. It’s odd for me to think back & realize that so much can happen in a year. I close my eyes & ever tribulation, every hard bitter night, every joy, every new friend, every new visited place, every thought of India, every story of a modern-day slave, every speaking event of mine, every scare, every spiritual battle, every late night prayers, every new born baby, every new thing suddenly rushes to my mind. I smile when closing my eyes & remembering these things; even the things I sometimes wish I could forget.. I just wrote in Sept. about my past year because I turned 17, but I’m writing even again, now that it’s almost 2009.
I finally began to truly cherish friendships with people my own age; I’ve always leaned towards people who are older then me. I learned that white-water-rafting won’t kill me no matter how fearful I am; well, atleast the first time of experiencing it. I learned that I can hike in Tennessee through the mountains with my older brothers & not be a wimp about it, even when I’m wearing shoes that are a size too small for me. I began writing 2 books, but didn’t finish them. I learned that I had a great amount of bitterness towards my Dad because of my childhood. I learned that forgiving someone is truly freeing; & healing. I learned that I must try to reconcile relationships even when it feels like I’m the only one trying and willing. I learned that I sometimes hurt people dear to me when I don’t intend to, & even more when I do intend to. I learned that I struggle off and on with slight depression. I learned that I view, even the word “depression” as weakness. I prayed about depression. I found out that I truly love my family and cherish them. I found that my 9 neices and nephews grow up fast and that it makes me cry. I realized that it my deepest time of hurt and confusion I ran to God. One of my siblings tried to commit suicide. I almost lost the person in my life that I’m closest to. I’ve realized that I find myself on the floor face down weeping and praying when I’m most broken or desperate. I stopped writing in my journal or on my blog as much & I’ve missed it. I noticed that I truly am blessed with my Church family & I’ve grown to appreciate it more & more. I was blessed with new and amazing friendships. I took 2 cooking classes & still can’t cook. I wanted to leave a class because of a teacher, & the teacher found out about that & we reconciled things through my school concelor & elder at my Church, John Reed & I’m thankful for that. I learned that I sometimes pull myself away from something new because I doubt myself. I took the class Sculpture at school because I knew it would be challenging for me & it was. I learned that I like some Chinese foods. I felt what it means to really miss someone. I went for a year without seeing one of my dearest friends – states away makes that a sad fact. I lost a great Uncle. I found out another great Uncle of mine has cancer, & I wept bitterly. I had a “cancer scare” of my own; I was thankful when it wasn’t. I let go of the dream of becoming a musician & then got it back again & then let go again because I think God wants other things for me. I’ve cried myself to sleep more this year than I ever have in my lifetime. I wondered if I fell too far away from God. I thought God wouldn’t want me because of how much sinning was going on in my life. I’ve learned that I’m super weak. I’ve learned that with Christ I’m strong. I’ve become okay with weakness, it makes me humble. I’ve decided that I want to major in Missions & minor in Political Science & at some point minor in Writing. I thought that maybe I would re-plan my trip to India through Gospel For Asia for the Summer after I graduate. A new friend of mine, from India, told me that he’s going back to visit India & is going to Orissa in March & its made me fearful (even though I want to go as well) & I’ve wept & prayed for him countless times. For some reason I’ve been more fearful for him then I was for myself – but I’m desperately praying that I’d trust God with it completely. I began to speak about Modern-Day Slavery and even contacted a Congressman. I fought for a petition about Modern-Day Slavery & it was passed to Congress. I have had never-ending nightmares about slavery. I felt like I wasted my summer & when I was packing to head on vacation with my family to Tennessee, & before we left I wept in front of my Mom on my Kitchen floor over it. I decided that I want to be a foster mom at some point in my life after befriending a family full of foster kids. This Summer I met 3 new friends from India, one who was even involved in Gospel For Asia. I met a Hindu who shunned me after he heard I was a Christian; later that night I wept uncontrollably & prayed for the man & still do. God gave me a sometimes unbearble burden over India & also Modern Day Slavery. I got fearful that sin was going to lead me to falling away from Christ – then I prayed instead of allowing myself to think that over and over again. I thought about going to counceling. I wept for months over Orissa. I wept over the terrorist attack in India & found out a friend of mine had a sister that was there & wept more. I began to believe that clouds are painted against the sky and not actual moving created things. I missed the days that I used to sit outside so many evenings watching the sunset. I realized that I really hate it when people joke about drugs. I cried when I thought no one was looking. Had my new friend Renny from India grasp my hands and look me in the eyes & say, “You can go to India, but know that you may not make it, you may not come back” it made me even more fearful. I’ve prayed to God almost weekly that my sibling who tried to commit suicide will still be there when I wake up in the morning. I began to love wearing flats. I started liking skinny jeans. I’ve made myself question why I believe what I believe. I learned about William Wilberforce & Zach Hunter. I’ve realized that I really really really miss writing music. I began to write poetry. I’ve re-learned that Tennessee is my favorite state in the U.S. I wanted to learn to play the drums. Felt fear. Felt like I’ve succeeded. Felt like I was a failure. I felt left out. I’ve questioned if someone meant more to me then I did to them. I watched God change me. I watched the struggle with sin change me. I learned to appreciate councel, especially from Eric Muhlenkamp – who honestly, is the most humble & one of the most Godly men I’ve met in my entire life. I’m more than thankful for his councel about things with me fighting against Modern-Day Slavery & India; in the past months I’ve learned to trust this man & even more, love him as a friend. My morals challenged a teacher of mine & he decided to stop cussing in class. I learned that at some point I want to live in India, not only go for mission trips. As much as I convince myself that the world’s view of me means nothing to me, I’ve realized that at times it really does. I tried to “fit in.” I learned that I try to defend my sin and myself before God. I realized that I don’t have a defense when I’m before Him. I went on a missions trip to Tennessee. A homeless man changed my life & made me weep. Other homeless people from Michigan are engraved in my mind & my heart. I cried over India countless times. I prayed for a young girl, Karishma, I love but have never met. An adult man told me that he looked up to me; I was stunned. My 5th neice was born, which makes 9 neices and nephews. I was fearful & told that I may not be able to have children someday. I went horse-back riding. I almost when bungee jumping. I learned to trust fully that God is near even when I want to doubt it. I’ve learned that my days don’t feel the same if I don’t spend time with God in the mornings like I like to. I got furious with God. I realized that I don’t have a right to be angry with God. I questioned if God was only angry at me. I feared God’s anger. I realized God is graceful & merciful.
I realized that I truly truly truly love the dear friends that have been placed in my life. I’ve never been one to say that I have a “best friend.” But, the one friend who I am closest to is probably the one that I felt was most unlikely – because of our age gap. But, for some reason, this year, I’ve realized just how much I love & appreciate her. Nance Muhlenkamp’s (earlier mentioned, Eric Muhlenkamp’s wife), literally one of the best people I have met in my entire life & I say that about very few people. I’ve known of her since I was 6, I’ve known her since I was 10, I’ve been friends with her since I was 13, but I’ve been close friends with her since I was 15 or 16. I talk about this woman a lot, more than she knows. She is the person I’d refer to as my mentor, I learn more about life from her than I do any other person. She is the number one person in my life who has shown me what it really means to be a Godly woman seeking Jesus & wanting to love Him whole-heartedly. Shes seen me live my life before becoming a Chrisitan & knew just how rebellious I was, & yet, she’s loved on me like very few people have. I’ve done child-like things, like forgetting her birthday constantly & weeping bitterly (I seriously hate forgetting her birthday, & no matter how many times I write it down the day always passes me! I hate it with a passion, I’ve cried for weeks after her birthday when I’ve forgotten it. & hopefully, since I have it written down, I’ll remember this year. I’m determained!) after realizing it … but she still loves me. *grin* When I need guidance she is the woman that I turn to usually. I often think that she is a younger version of my Grandma; because she’s full of such wisdom. She’s the friend who does my eyebrows & I often ask her to hang out with me sometime during the week & I think she thinks I do it because I want my eyebrows done *laughs* but honestly, I just love to be with this friend. I’ve learned to appreciate the moments of conversation in her Kitchen, the moments of sitting on her couch watching movies we love, or sitting out on her back deck talking for hours in sunshine. One of the moments I love the most is one that replays over & over weekly; simply seeking out this friend in Church on Sundays & Wednsdays just to tap her when walking past & looking back & smiling & then finding her again later to give & get the hugs that I love. I was asked a few weeks ago who my role-model was; & my eyes starting tearing up as I said, “the person on this earth that has impacted my life in such a great way is Nance Muhlenkamp – I love that woman more than I love most people. I honestly don’t know what I’d do without her; I don’t think she realizes that, but I’d love her to know that.” She’s more than just a “mentor” or a close friend, I want to be like her. Very few people on this earth have impacted my life the way she has.
So much has happened within friendships but much as happened outside of them as well. I’ve become unafraid of being vunerable and saying, “Be near me God and help me.” I said I wanted to be President. I didn’t go to Church for a few months, for countless reasons. I missed going to Church. I repented for why I didn’t go. I’ve experienced God’s grace over & over.
It’s been quite a year & honestly, the roughest yet. But, I’m smiling, I’m thankful. My eyes close… & it all comes back to me.
I’m ready for the next… Jesus, prepare me for whatever You have in store, with tears in my eyes & a smile on my face, I’m eager. Make me even more humble, break me even more, help me to be faithful, make me even more desperate for You, give me an even stronger love & burden for India, the lost, slaves, homeless & the poor. And teach me not to fear, teach me what it means to truly love You & those around me & those I haven’t even met. I want to be stretched & yet comforted, to seek You, God, with all that I am, to allow the sins of pride, selfishness & self-pity to be uprooted. I’m desperate to see the faces of India face-to-face. And I want to realize that hard work really does pay off even when I’ve felt I’ve terribly failed over & over again & to hopefully be in college or on my own & be thankful to You, God for that. I only have thoughts & glimpses of what this next year may bring … it may bring heartbreak & nights of unrest & mornings of peace & days of rejoicing … it’ll probably be full of both, but, the only thing I am sure of for this next year or these next few days, whichever comes, God is faithful & He never changes … I serve an amazing God! Jesus, lead me down this road, into the next year, & help me to praise You every moment of it, the valleys & those mountain tops. God, teach me to trust You.
Even now, may the Name of the Lord be praised, He is faithful even when I am not; & He has covered me with His grace & forgiveness even though I never deserve it.
Teresa
I finally began to truly cherish friendships with people my own age; I’ve always leaned towards people who are older then me. I learned that white-water-rafting won’t kill me no matter how fearful I am; well, atleast the first time of experiencing it. I learned that I can hike in Tennessee through the mountains with my older brothers & not be a wimp about it, even when I’m wearing shoes that are a size too small for me. I began writing 2 books, but didn’t finish them. I learned that I had a great amount of bitterness towards my Dad because of my childhood. I learned that forgiving someone is truly freeing; & healing. I learned that I must try to reconcile relationships even when it feels like I’m the only one trying and willing. I learned that I sometimes hurt people dear to me when I don’t intend to, & even more when I do intend to. I learned that I struggle off and on with slight depression. I learned that I view, even the word “depression” as weakness. I prayed about depression. I found out that I truly love my family and cherish them. I found that my 9 neices and nephews grow up fast and that it makes me cry. I realized that it my deepest time of hurt and confusion I ran to God. One of my siblings tried to commit suicide. I almost lost the person in my life that I’m closest to. I’ve realized that I find myself on the floor face down weeping and praying when I’m most broken or desperate. I stopped writing in my journal or on my blog as much & I’ve missed it. I noticed that I truly am blessed with my Church family & I’ve grown to appreciate it more & more. I was blessed with new and amazing friendships. I took 2 cooking classes & still can’t cook. I wanted to leave a class because of a teacher, & the teacher found out about that & we reconciled things through my school concelor & elder at my Church, John Reed & I’m thankful for that. I learned that I sometimes pull myself away from something new because I doubt myself. I took the class Sculpture at school because I knew it would be challenging for me & it was. I learned that I like some Chinese foods. I felt what it means to really miss someone. I went for a year without seeing one of my dearest friends – states away makes that a sad fact. I lost a great Uncle. I found out another great Uncle of mine has cancer, & I wept bitterly. I had a “cancer scare” of my own; I was thankful when it wasn’t. I let go of the dream of becoming a musician & then got it back again & then let go again because I think God wants other things for me. I’ve cried myself to sleep more this year than I ever have in my lifetime. I wondered if I fell too far away from God. I thought God wouldn’t want me because of how much sinning was going on in my life. I’ve learned that I’m super weak. I’ve learned that with Christ I’m strong. I’ve become okay with weakness, it makes me humble. I’ve decided that I want to major in Missions & minor in Political Science & at some point minor in Writing. I thought that maybe I would re-plan my trip to India through Gospel For Asia for the Summer after I graduate. A new friend of mine, from India, told me that he’s going back to visit India & is going to Orissa in March & its made me fearful (even though I want to go as well) & I’ve wept & prayed for him countless times. For some reason I’ve been more fearful for him then I was for myself – but I’m desperately praying that I’d trust God with it completely. I began to speak about Modern-Day Slavery and even contacted a Congressman. I fought for a petition about Modern-Day Slavery & it was passed to Congress. I have had never-ending nightmares about slavery. I felt like I wasted my summer & when I was packing to head on vacation with my family to Tennessee, & before we left I wept in front of my Mom on my Kitchen floor over it. I decided that I want to be a foster mom at some point in my life after befriending a family full of foster kids. This Summer I met 3 new friends from India, one who was even involved in Gospel For Asia. I met a Hindu who shunned me after he heard I was a Christian; later that night I wept uncontrollably & prayed for the man & still do. God gave me a sometimes unbearble burden over India & also Modern Day Slavery. I got fearful that sin was going to lead me to falling away from Christ – then I prayed instead of allowing myself to think that over and over again. I thought about going to counceling. I wept for months over Orissa. I wept over the terrorist attack in India & found out a friend of mine had a sister that was there & wept more. I began to believe that clouds are painted against the sky and not actual moving created things. I missed the days that I used to sit outside so many evenings watching the sunset. I realized that I really hate it when people joke about drugs. I cried when I thought no one was looking. Had my new friend Renny from India grasp my hands and look me in the eyes & say, “You can go to India, but know that you may not make it, you may not come back” it made me even more fearful. I’ve prayed to God almost weekly that my sibling who tried to commit suicide will still be there when I wake up in the morning. I began to love wearing flats. I started liking skinny jeans. I’ve made myself question why I believe what I believe. I learned about William Wilberforce & Zach Hunter. I’ve realized that I really really really miss writing music. I began to write poetry. I’ve re-learned that Tennessee is my favorite state in the U.S. I wanted to learn to play the drums. Felt fear. Felt like I’ve succeeded. Felt like I was a failure. I felt left out. I’ve questioned if someone meant more to me then I did to them. I watched God change me. I watched the struggle with sin change me. I learned to appreciate councel, especially from Eric Muhlenkamp – who honestly, is the most humble & one of the most Godly men I’ve met in my entire life. I’m more than thankful for his councel about things with me fighting against Modern-Day Slavery & India; in the past months I’ve learned to trust this man & even more, love him as a friend. My morals challenged a teacher of mine & he decided to stop cussing in class. I learned that at some point I want to live in India, not only go for mission trips. As much as I convince myself that the world’s view of me means nothing to me, I’ve realized that at times it really does. I tried to “fit in.” I learned that I try to defend my sin and myself before God. I realized that I don’t have a defense when I’m before Him. I went on a missions trip to Tennessee. A homeless man changed my life & made me weep. Other homeless people from Michigan are engraved in my mind & my heart. I cried over India countless times. I prayed for a young girl, Karishma, I love but have never met. An adult man told me that he looked up to me; I was stunned. My 5th neice was born, which makes 9 neices and nephews. I was fearful & told that I may not be able to have children someday. I went horse-back riding. I almost when bungee jumping. I learned to trust fully that God is near even when I want to doubt it. I’ve learned that my days don’t feel the same if I don’t spend time with God in the mornings like I like to. I got furious with God. I realized that I don’t have a right to be angry with God. I questioned if God was only angry at me. I feared God’s anger. I realized God is graceful & merciful.
I realized that I truly truly truly love the dear friends that have been placed in my life. I’ve never been one to say that I have a “best friend.” But, the one friend who I am closest to is probably the one that I felt was most unlikely – because of our age gap. But, for some reason, this year, I’ve realized just how much I love & appreciate her. Nance Muhlenkamp’s (earlier mentioned, Eric Muhlenkamp’s wife), literally one of the best people I have met in my entire life & I say that about very few people. I’ve known of her since I was 6, I’ve known her since I was 10, I’ve been friends with her since I was 13, but I’ve been close friends with her since I was 15 or 16. I talk about this woman a lot, more than she knows. She is the person I’d refer to as my mentor, I learn more about life from her than I do any other person. She is the number one person in my life who has shown me what it really means to be a Godly woman seeking Jesus & wanting to love Him whole-heartedly. Shes seen me live my life before becoming a Chrisitan & knew just how rebellious I was, & yet, she’s loved on me like very few people have. I’ve done child-like things, like forgetting her birthday constantly & weeping bitterly (I seriously hate forgetting her birthday, & no matter how many times I write it down the day always passes me! I hate it with a passion, I’ve cried for weeks after her birthday when I’ve forgotten it. & hopefully, since I have it written down, I’ll remember this year. I’m determained!) after realizing it … but she still loves me. *grin* When I need guidance she is the woman that I turn to usually. I often think that she is a younger version of my Grandma; because she’s full of such wisdom. She’s the friend who does my eyebrows & I often ask her to hang out with me sometime during the week & I think she thinks I do it because I want my eyebrows done *laughs* but honestly, I just love to be with this friend. I’ve learned to appreciate the moments of conversation in her Kitchen, the moments of sitting on her couch watching movies we love, or sitting out on her back deck talking for hours in sunshine. One of the moments I love the most is one that replays over & over weekly; simply seeking out this friend in Church on Sundays & Wednsdays just to tap her when walking past & looking back & smiling & then finding her again later to give & get the hugs that I love. I was asked a few weeks ago who my role-model was; & my eyes starting tearing up as I said, “the person on this earth that has impacted my life in such a great way is Nance Muhlenkamp – I love that woman more than I love most people. I honestly don’t know what I’d do without her; I don’t think she realizes that, but I’d love her to know that.” She’s more than just a “mentor” or a close friend, I want to be like her. Very few people on this earth have impacted my life the way she has.
So much has happened within friendships but much as happened outside of them as well. I’ve become unafraid of being vunerable and saying, “Be near me God and help me.” I said I wanted to be President. I didn’t go to Church for a few months, for countless reasons. I missed going to Church. I repented for why I didn’t go. I’ve experienced God’s grace over & over.
It’s been quite a year & honestly, the roughest yet. But, I’m smiling, I’m thankful. My eyes close… & it all comes back to me.
I’m ready for the next… Jesus, prepare me for whatever You have in store, with tears in my eyes & a smile on my face, I’m eager. Make me even more humble, break me even more, help me to be faithful, make me even more desperate for You, give me an even stronger love & burden for India, the lost, slaves, homeless & the poor. And teach me not to fear, teach me what it means to truly love You & those around me & those I haven’t even met. I want to be stretched & yet comforted, to seek You, God, with all that I am, to allow the sins of pride, selfishness & self-pity to be uprooted. I’m desperate to see the faces of India face-to-face. And I want to realize that hard work really does pay off even when I’ve felt I’ve terribly failed over & over again & to hopefully be in college or on my own & be thankful to You, God for that. I only have thoughts & glimpses of what this next year may bring … it may bring heartbreak & nights of unrest & mornings of peace & days of rejoicing … it’ll probably be full of both, but, the only thing I am sure of for this next year or these next few days, whichever comes, God is faithful & He never changes … I serve an amazing God! Jesus, lead me down this road, into the next year, & help me to praise You every moment of it, the valleys & those mountain tops. God, teach me to trust You.
Even now, may the Name of the Lord be praised, He is faithful even when I am not; & He has covered me with His grace & forgiveness even though I never deserve it.
Teresa
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
"Humane."
Good morning friends….
I’ve been awake for over an hour now. It’s nearly 8:30 in the morning, and I can see through the glimpses of the open curtain that the morning sun is finally beginning to fully rise. The tv is mindlessly running, I think it’s the weather channel; we’re expecting snow sometime on Sunday. We’re getting snow a week after Christmas, a week before, but not the day of; it never makes sense. *grin*
I’ve had something on my mind for the past few days that I’ve wanted to write about; so I’m going to share it here with you even though I’m not exactly sure how to start…. so bear with me and forgive me if I don’t do so well. :)
Sometime last week I looked up the word “humane” a few days after hearing it spoken in one of my classes. In case you did not know; one of the definitions of humane is: “kind and good.” When I read that I have to chuckle and question it. If that’s the true definition of humanity, then I’m wondering what we truly are… truth is, people have a wrong view of humanity. Our intentions may be kind and good, but we ourselves, are not.
In my History class my teacher somehow jumped from the topic of a certain war to the issue of terrorism and terrorists. Now, I’m not one to leave the room when terrorists are mentioned (I know people who hate talking about it) but I am one to get defensive when judgements are thrown upon people. He said something along the line of: “Terrorists are not humane. When you think of a terrorist what do you see? A Middle-Eastern man, wearing a thing on his head (I was going to speak up and say the name for it but didn’t) and he’s probably an extremist in his religion.”
The only thing that stood out in my mind from what he said (besides the fact that he said ‘thing on his head’) was the fact that he had ‘groups’ of people to which a terrorist would belong…
1) A man
2) Middle-Eastern
3) Of a certain religion
Now… I am not a man, nor am I a Middle Eastern beliver in this religion that he was refering to… but my face turned red, my blood boiled, and my eyes glared. Why? Not because I haven’t recognized that most people of terrorism have come from this very background but because now that we realize that these are the backgrounds of people that we fear – sometimes we tend to fear them even when all these things aren’t combined.
We (as Americans, not you or I personally) tend to resist, be hesitant toward, or have fear of people of the Middle East. We see someone or know someone who is a Muslim and wonder if they’re an extremist. I’ve seen this evident… and I hate it.
I do have one question though. The word “terrorism” or “terrorist” is it only seen as one who allows suicide bombings, or flying into American buildings? If so, then yes, my teacher was right – the 3 characteristics that he mentioned were ones that are often defined terrorists, and are the only terrorists. But when I looked up the word I found the definition: “Terrorism is a term used to describe violence or other harmful acts committed (or threatened) against civilians by groups or persons.” So, if terrorism is someone creating any terror in anyone then isn’t terrorism also planning school shootings, killing innocent people, persecuting Christians, allowing slavery 200 years ago and now modern-day slavery….
I don’t think terrorism is reserved or expected only from (as my teacher said) a Middle-Eastern man of the Muslim religon. I think we are (as Americans, not you or I personally) blind to see that terror is laid upon other people because of others actions. If terror is the mere object of terrorism, then we have terrorist in America, not only overseas.
These very judgements, of the ones that my teacher said, are like people pointing toward African Americans and coming to a conclusion that all African Americans will sometime end up doing drugs, on the street or in prison. It’s like people of a different background besides something that leads to white skin saying that all people who are white are judgemental and have hatred toward anyone else different than them; or that all Christians are too narrow-minded. It seems to me that we (all people) have allowed oursevles to expect certain things from certain people.
Okay, I’m not here to preach, and in fact that’s not even why I’m writing. I had no intention on going on a word spree like this. So I’ll stop, but please do think about what I shared as you leave this. I think I’m just tired of judgements laid upon other people – so I guess deep down I knew a “word spree” was expected. *grin* All of this because of simple words said in a class.
More later,
Teresa
I’ve been awake for over an hour now. It’s nearly 8:30 in the morning, and I can see through the glimpses of the open curtain that the morning sun is finally beginning to fully rise. The tv is mindlessly running, I think it’s the weather channel; we’re expecting snow sometime on Sunday. We’re getting snow a week after Christmas, a week before, but not the day of; it never makes sense. *grin*
I’ve had something on my mind for the past few days that I’ve wanted to write about; so I’m going to share it here with you even though I’m not exactly sure how to start…. so bear with me and forgive me if I don’t do so well. :)
Sometime last week I looked up the word “humane” a few days after hearing it spoken in one of my classes. In case you did not know; one of the definitions of humane is: “kind and good.” When I read that I have to chuckle and question it. If that’s the true definition of humanity, then I’m wondering what we truly are… truth is, people have a wrong view of humanity. Our intentions may be kind and good, but we ourselves, are not.
In my History class my teacher somehow jumped from the topic of a certain war to the issue of terrorism and terrorists. Now, I’m not one to leave the room when terrorists are mentioned (I know people who hate talking about it) but I am one to get defensive when judgements are thrown upon people. He said something along the line of: “Terrorists are not humane. When you think of a terrorist what do you see? A Middle-Eastern man, wearing a thing on his head (I was going to speak up and say the name for it but didn’t) and he’s probably an extremist in his religion.”
The only thing that stood out in my mind from what he said (besides the fact that he said ‘thing on his head’) was the fact that he had ‘groups’ of people to which a terrorist would belong…
1) A man
2) Middle-Eastern
3) Of a certain religion
Now… I am not a man, nor am I a Middle Eastern beliver in this religion that he was refering to… but my face turned red, my blood boiled, and my eyes glared. Why? Not because I haven’t recognized that most people of terrorism have come from this very background but because now that we realize that these are the backgrounds of people that we fear – sometimes we tend to fear them even when all these things aren’t combined.
We (as Americans, not you or I personally) tend to resist, be hesitant toward, or have fear of people of the Middle East. We see someone or know someone who is a Muslim and wonder if they’re an extremist. I’ve seen this evident… and I hate it.
I do have one question though. The word “terrorism” or “terrorist” is it only seen as one who allows suicide bombings, or flying into American buildings? If so, then yes, my teacher was right – the 3 characteristics that he mentioned were ones that are often defined terrorists, and are the only terrorists. But when I looked up the word I found the definition: “Terrorism is a term used to describe violence or other harmful acts committed (or threatened) against civilians by groups or persons.” So, if terrorism is someone creating any terror in anyone then isn’t terrorism also planning school shootings, killing innocent people, persecuting Christians, allowing slavery 200 years ago and now modern-day slavery….
I don’t think terrorism is reserved or expected only from (as my teacher said) a Middle-Eastern man of the Muslim religon. I think we are (as Americans, not you or I personally) blind to see that terror is laid upon other people because of others actions. If terror is the mere object of terrorism, then we have terrorist in America, not only overseas.
These very judgements, of the ones that my teacher said, are like people pointing toward African Americans and coming to a conclusion that all African Americans will sometime end up doing drugs, on the street or in prison. It’s like people of a different background besides something that leads to white skin saying that all people who are white are judgemental and have hatred toward anyone else different than them; or that all Christians are too narrow-minded. It seems to me that we (all people) have allowed oursevles to expect certain things from certain people.
Okay, I’m not here to preach, and in fact that’s not even why I’m writing. I had no intention on going on a word spree like this. So I’ll stop, but please do think about what I shared as you leave this. I think I’m just tired of judgements laid upon other people – so I guess deep down I knew a “word spree” was expected. *grin* All of this because of simple words said in a class.
More later,
Teresa
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