I haven’t written in a month. How I did it, I don’t know. Why I did it, simply because I didn’t want to write about the struggles and valleys that I faced during the past month. I don’t think I’ve ever grown or struggled so much in such a short amount of time.
To sum up the past 4 or so weeks… I struggled with feeling more distance from God than I ever have, I struggled with more loneliness than I had ever felt. Someone I knew commited suicide, I found out family members of mine were getting abused. I questioned if I was fit for being an abolitionist or if God would really want to use me, I asked God if He was ignoring me or angry with me. I felt too much pressure about school and my grades – so I started allowing certain grades to slip. And then I fell into a sin that I was knowingly commiting against God… it was quite a 4 weeks!
… It had honestly felt as if the sun was hidden beneathe a dark cloud for months at a time, and that my own voice was silent and I forgot that many surrounding me had willing, listening ears.
Tuesday evening I was in the car making my way to a dear friend of mine. Now, Ohio is known for its massive spread of fields and glorious sunsets and sunrises. But, there was something extremely precious about that sunset I had seen when on the road. I felt that God was really grabbing my attention. The wintery fields were beaming with gold and reflecting the sun off of the white snow. And the sky was filled with the brightest orange and yet hints of red, pink, and purple. I was completely overwhelmed, and tears streamed down my face.
The sun was setting, but in my life the sun has been rising… and it’s glorious. =)
Thank you Jesus!
I was with a new and sweet friend of mine yesterday evening. While we were in the car, making our way to Church, we were both talking about where we’ve been. She’s been struggling with many things physically, which many think it’s from a fall she had a few months ago that led to a minor concussion. I can only guess that that physical struggle leads to emotional and spiritual struggles as well. She sat beside me driving and told me that she was really doing well; she was doing well and was exciting about it. I think her and I were both quite stoked to know that!! *grin* And I shared with her a glimpse of where I’ve been for the past several months and told her that the new season I’m in after all of these struggles is giving me a glimpse of peace, and that it honestly feels foriegn. The feeling of peace feels more than alittle foriegn to me. I told her that I’ve been following Christ for almost 3years and yet the past 2 years have been full of struggle and complete peace had been something hard to truly feel, and she said that when we follow Christ is when our true struggle really begins… that made me feel a little less like a loner in that thought! *grin*
Feeling distant from God is leading to trusting that He is near, the well-known struggle of loneliness is turning into a glimpse and reminder that I am truly loved. The struggle of dealing with the suicide is still hard and even harder watching those who were affected in a greater way than I was, my heart is still broken for my family members who were getting abused. I trust that God has me where He wants me with abolition even if I sometimes doubt that He’d want to use me, I know that God never walks away from those who are His own and that His anger lasts only for a moment. I know that with school if I do my best that is all that is really asked of me, and I know that I serve a God who hears my broken and contrite heart when I’m struggling with the guilt of sin.
Its felt as if the sun has been hidden beneathe a dark cloud for months at a time. And the sun was setting Tuesday night. But the sun is rising at the moment that I’ve least expected it. I’m given a glimpse of something so foriegn as peace…. and I can see the Son.
Thank you to those of you who have prayed.
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