Simply GOOD!

Today is simply GOOD. I’m sitting in my room looking out the window. The shining sun is creating shadows of twigs from bushes dancing across my drawn curtains. The grass outside is actually beginning to turn green; the brown “grass” is finally being covered. Signs of Spring my friends! And Bethany Dillon is singing in my ears ‘You change me/ You change me/ Thank You Jesus, I can see You change me.’ I’m trying to let the beauty of all of this sink in… there’s no explanation for this peace in me other than Jesus. These past few weeks have been crazy; they have WRECKED me.

I’ve wanted to write for the past few weeks but one thing has kept me from it. Truth be told: I was struggling with a private sin for about 2 1/2 weeks. One that only a friend of mine and my sister knew about. I have yet to gain the courage to tell anyone what the sin is; but I talked to one friend about it often. On Easter, at Church, I told her that I had never felt the battle between Spirit and flesh so real!

Those 2 1/2 weeks left me dealing with more doubt, guilt, shame, anger and selfishness than I probably have at any other time. I felt so much weight and pressure to just pull it together; and I asked myself often if my desire was truly God or my flesh. Asking myself that made me completely uncomfortable… why? Because I thought I had become okay with my sin. I was knowingly sinning against God and asking myself if my desire was God or my flesh. I told my friend that this sin of mine was a sin that was from my past; and that did more than just scare me. I told her that I felt that since this sin was from my past that I was heading back into that direction… she didn’t agree, and I’m glad. *grin* She told me that since that sin was from my past than Satan had an easier attack on me; since I’ve already commited that sin my flesh found it easier to commit again. Her words changed my mind.
Honestly though; I had never felt so stuck. I felt like this sin was something that I wasn’t going to get away from. I kept giving in… falling, giving in… falling, almost giving up… falling. I kept fighting it with my own strength, and I’m not that strong. It’s real friends, the battle between Spirit and flesh is real!

And why is today simply good? I know the above doesn’t sound all that great. *grin* But, today is simply good because today I told my friend Caroline that I feel alittle free-er, that I feel relieved and like a weight has been lifted. Last night I spent time before God just weeping… if you walked in I’d probably look a bit pathetic to you… just laying on my bed like I was at the feet of Jesus, just weeping and praying… and weeping some more.

Truth be told: He isn’t just angry, He isn’t pushing me away, He doesn’t want me to fight alone, He doesn’t want me to give in and give up, His love hasn’t grown cold. He’s merciful, I’m the one who pushes Him away and yet He still calls me to Him, He wants to fight for me with His strength, He wants me to realize the truth of His character and not the lies I’ve tended to believe. He wants to pick me up and dust me off and allow me to be the one who falls at His feet with the perfume, tears and hair… and tell me that I’ve been forgiven. It makes me weep, because it’s TRUE. It’s SAVING me and it’s CHANGING me. He is changing me! It sounds foolish and rediculous, this sinless, pure God has always wanted to SAVE me from my sin and change me! It sounds foolish, it doesn’t make sense, but it changes me.

Thank you Jesus! It’s been a hard, battle-filled, depressing… yet, interesting, heart-softening, mind-changing few weeks with Him in this.

A few days ago a new friend of mine told me that she used to struggle with the sin of doubt a lot. She said that only one person knows about it; but that she struggled with it for 12 years, (I gasped when she said that!) She said that for 12 years she doubted if she was truly God’s if her salvation was real… I’d think that doubt was also accompanied by fear. During this past 2 weeks friends, doubt and fear were things that had become unwanted friends of mine. They are both things that I’ve struggled with off and on; but I literally had a huge fear that my current sin was changing who I was in Christ – I feared that I was no longer His. …One sin leads to another, eh?

But friends, it’s good. Today is simply GOOD.

I hope that all makes sense… I felt scattered, unsure of what words were next. It’s good! I’m out if this battle that I’ve been fighting for 2 1/2 weeks because I trusted HIM and I fell to His feet.

Thank You Jesus!