Down This Road...

It is insane for me to think that a whole year has passed again. It’s odd for me to think back & realize that so much can happen in a year. I close my eyes & ever tribulation, every hard bitter night, every joy, every new friend, every new visited place, every thought of India, every story of a modern-day slave, every speaking event of mine, every scare, every spiritual battle, every late night prayers, every new born baby, every new thing suddenly rushes to my mind. I smile when closing my eyes & remembering these things; even the things I sometimes wish I could forget.. I just wrote in Sept. about my past year because I turned 17, but I’m writing even again, now that it’s almost 2009.

I finally began to truly cherish friendships with people my own age; I’ve always leaned towards people who are older then me. I learned that white-water-rafting won’t kill me no matter how fearful I am; well, atleast the first time of experiencing it. I learned that I can hike in Tennessee through the mountains with my older brothers & not be a wimp about it, even when I’m wearing shoes that are a size too small for me. I began writing 2 books, but didn’t finish them. I learned that I had a great amount of bitterness towards my Dad because of my childhood. I learned that forgiving someone is truly freeing; & healing. I learned that I must try to reconcile relationships even when it feels like I’m the only one trying and willing. I learned that I sometimes hurt people dear to me when I don’t intend to, & even more when I do intend to. I learned that I struggle off and on with slight depression. I learned that I view, even the word “depression” as weakness. I prayed about depression. I found out that I truly love my family and cherish them. I found that my 9 neices and nephews grow up fast and that it makes me cry. I realized that it my deepest time of hurt and confusion I ran to God. One of my siblings tried to commit suicide. I almost lost the person in my life that I’m closest to. I’ve realized that I find myself on the floor face down weeping and praying when I’m most broken or desperate. I stopped writing in my journal or on my blog as much & I’ve missed it. I noticed that I truly am blessed with my Church family & I’ve grown to appreciate it more & more. I was blessed with new and amazing friendships. I took 2 cooking classes & still can’t cook. I wanted to leave a class because of a teacher, & the teacher found out about that & we reconciled things through my school concelor & elder at my Church, John Reed & I’m thankful for that. I learned that I sometimes pull myself away from something new because I doubt myself. I took the class Sculpture at school because I knew it would be challenging for me & it was. I learned that I like some Chinese foods. I felt what it means to really miss someone. I went for a year without seeing one of my dearest friends – states away makes that a sad fact. I lost a great Uncle. I found out another great Uncle of mine has cancer, & I wept bitterly. I had a “cancer scare” of my own; I was thankful when it wasn’t. I let go of the dream of becoming a musician & then got it back again & then let go again because I think God wants other things for me. I’ve cried myself to sleep more this year than I ever have in my lifetime. I wondered if I fell too far away from God. I thought God wouldn’t want me because of how much sinning was going on in my life. I’ve learned that I’m super weak. I’ve learned that with Christ I’m strong. I’ve become okay with weakness, it makes me humble. I’ve decided that I want to major in Missions & minor in Political Science & at some point minor in Writing. I thought that maybe I would re-plan my trip to India through Gospel For Asia for the Summer after I graduate. A new friend of mine, from India, told me that he’s going back to visit India & is going to Orissa in March & its made me fearful (even though I want to go as well) & I’ve wept & prayed for him countless times. For some reason I’ve been more fearful for him then I was for myself – but I’m desperately praying that I’d trust God with it completely. I began to speak about Modern-Day Slavery and even contacted a Congressman. I fought for a petition about Modern-Day Slavery & it was passed to Congress. I have had never-ending nightmares about slavery. I felt like I wasted my summer & when I was packing to head on vacation with my family to Tennessee, & before we left I wept in front of my Mom on my Kitchen floor over it. I decided that I want to be a foster mom at some point in my life after befriending a family full of foster kids. This Summer I met 3 new friends from India, one who was even involved in Gospel For Asia. I met a Hindu who shunned me after he heard I was a Christian; later that night I wept uncontrollably & prayed for the man & still do. God gave me a sometimes unbearble burden over India & also Modern Day Slavery. I got fearful that sin was going to lead me to falling away from Christ – then I prayed instead of allowing myself to think that over and over again. I thought about going to counceling. I wept for months over Orissa. I wept over the terrorist attack in India & found out a friend of mine had a sister that was there & wept more. I began to believe that clouds are painted against the sky and not actual moving created things. I missed the days that I used to sit outside so many evenings watching the sunset. I realized that I really hate it when people joke about drugs. I cried when I thought no one was looking. Had my new friend Renny from India grasp my hands and look me in the eyes & say, “You can go to India, but know that you may not make it, you may not come back” it made me even more fearful. I’ve prayed to God almost weekly that my sibling who tried to commit suicide will still be there when I wake up in the morning. I began to love wearing flats. I started liking skinny jeans. I’ve made myself question why I believe what I believe. I learned about William Wilberforce & Zach Hunter. I’ve realized that I really really really miss writing music. I began to write poetry. I’ve re-learned that Tennessee is my favorite state in the U.S. I wanted to learn to play the drums. Felt fear. Felt like I’ve succeeded. Felt like I was a failure. I felt left out. I’ve questioned if someone meant more to me then I did to them. I watched God change me. I watched the struggle with sin change me. I learned to appreciate councel, especially from Eric Muhlenkamp – who honestly, is the most humble & one of the most Godly men I’ve met in my entire life. I’m more than thankful for his councel about things with me fighting against Modern-Day Slavery & India; in the past months I’ve learned to trust this man & even more, love him as a friend. My morals challenged a teacher of mine & he decided to stop cussing in class. I learned that at some point I want to live in India, not only go for mission trips. As much as I convince myself that the world’s view of me means nothing to me, I’ve realized that at times it really does. I tried to “fit in.” I learned that I try to defend my sin and myself before God. I realized that I don’t have a defense when I’m before Him. I went on a missions trip to Tennessee. A homeless man changed my life & made me weep.  Other homeless people from Michigan are engraved in my mind & my heart. I cried over India countless times. I prayed for a young girl, Karishma, I love but have never met. An adult man told me that he looked up to me; I was stunned. My 5th neice was born, which makes 9 neices and nephews. I was fearful & told that I may not be able to have children someday. I went horse-back riding. I almost when bungee jumping. I learned to trust fully that God is near even when I want to doubt it. I’ve learned that my days don’t feel the same if I don’t spend time with God in the mornings like I like to. I got furious with God. I realized that I don’t have a right to be angry with God. I questioned if God was only angry at me. I feared God’s anger. I realized God is graceful & merciful.

I realized that I truly truly truly love the dear friends that have been placed in my life. I’ve never been one to say that I have a “best friend.” But, the one friend who I am closest to is probably the one that I felt was most unlikely – because of our age gap. But, for some reason, this year, I’ve realized just how much I love & appreciate her. Nance Muhlenkamp’s (earlier mentioned, Eric Muhlenkamp’s wife), literally one of the best people I have met in my entire life & I say that about very few people. I’ve known of her since I was 6, I’ve known her since I was 10, I’ve been friends with her since I was 13, but I’ve been close friends with her since I was 15 or 16. I talk about this woman a lot, more than she knows. She is the person I’d refer to as my mentor, I learn more about life from her than I do any other person. She is the number one person in my life who has shown me what it really means to be a Godly woman seeking Jesus & wanting to love Him whole-heartedly. Shes seen me live my life before becoming a Chrisitan & knew just how rebellious I was, & yet, she’s loved on me like very few people have. I’ve done child-like things, like forgetting her birthday constantly & weeping bitterly (I seriously hate forgetting her birthday, & no matter how many times I write it down the day always passes me! I hate it with a passion, I’ve cried for weeks after her birthday when I’ve forgotten it. & hopefully, since I have it written down, I’ll remember this year. I’m determained!) after realizing it … but she still loves me. *grin* When I need guidance she is the woman that I turn to usually. I often think that she is a younger version of my Grandma; because she’s full of such wisdom. She’s the friend who does my eyebrows & I often ask her to hang out with me sometime during the week & I think she thinks I do it because I want my eyebrows done *laughs* but honestly, I just love to be with this friend. I’ve learned to appreciate the moments of conversation in her Kitchen, the moments of sitting on her couch watching movies we love, or sitting out on her back deck talking for hours in sunshine. One of the moments I love the most is one that replays over & over weekly; simply seeking out this friend in Church on Sundays & Wednsdays just to tap her when walking past & looking back & smiling & then finding her again later to give & get the hugs that I love. I was asked a few weeks ago who my role-model was; & my eyes starting tearing up as I said, “the person on this earth that has impacted my life in such a great way is Nance Muhlenkamp – I love that woman more than I love most people. I honestly don’t know what I’d do without her; I don’t think she realizes that, but I’d love her to know that.” She’s more than just a “mentor” or a close friend, I want to be like her. Very few people on this earth have impacted my life the way she has.

So much has happened within friendships but much as happened outside of them as well. I’ve become unafraid of being vunerable and saying, “Be near me God and help me.” I said I wanted to be President. I didn’t go to Church for a few months, for countless reasons. I missed going to Church. I repented for why I didn’t go. I’ve experienced God’s grace over & over.

It’s been quite a year & honestly, the roughest yet. But, I’m smiling, I’m thankful. My eyes close… & it all comes back to me.

I’m ready for the next… Jesus, prepare me for whatever You have in store, with tears in my eyes & a smile on my face, I’m eager. Make me even more humble, break me even more, help me to be faithful, make me even more desperate for You, give me an even stronger love & burden for India, the lost, slaves, homeless & the poor. And teach me not to fear, teach me what it means to truly love You & those around me & those I haven’t even met. I want to be stretched & yet comforted, to seek You, God, with all that I am, to allow the sins of pride, selfishness & self-pity to be uprooted. I’m desperate to see the faces of India face-to-face. And I want to realize that hard work really does pay off even when I’ve felt I’ve terribly failed over & over again & to hopefully be in college or on my own & be thankful to You, God for that. I only have thoughts & glimpses of what this next year may bring … it may bring heartbreak & nights of unrest & mornings of peace & days of rejoicing … it’ll probably be full of both, but, the only thing I am sure of for this next year or these next few days, whichever comes, God is faithful & He never changes … I serve an amazing God! Jesus, lead me down this road, into the next year, & help me to praise You every moment of it, the valleys & those mountain tops. God, teach me to trust You.

Even now, may the Name of the Lord be praised, He is faithful even when I am not; & He has covered me with His grace & forgiveness even though I never deserve it.

Teresa