Thursday evening (1/30/14) I was sitting on the passenger side of the car making my way to the Charlotte airport. I took it in: the conversation with Albert (learn who he is in the previous entry), the humming of the music on the radio, the slowing down of the car as I attempted to take pictures of Charlotte's beautiful skyline. We pulled up at the airport, Albert helped get my luggage out of the trunk in exchange for a hug.
Alone, I made my way into the airport with luggage trailing behind me. I had to be a sight to see: a barely 5"2 twenty-two year old young woman who looks barely a day over 18, the carry-on in my hand felt as if it weighed hundreds of pounds, my suitcase packed for 6months in the other hand. I put on "the face," the one that my family refers to as my "intimidating" one. Yeah, that one. I kept reminding myself not to look like a young woman who wasn't sure where she was going as I ventured to check in my bags in the First Class section. That's the benefit of so many delayed & cancelled flights - they reschedule you for First Class, where, interestingly, people had a tendency to question if I were Israeli.
I waited in line at security, looking at the floor mostly, but occasionally looking up at the people behind & in front of me. I tried taking it in: all of the different faces, the different ethnicities, the different languages. It was refreshing, so refreshing. It was so different from back in Mercer County, Ohio.
I almost made it smoothly through security. My purse was held back. I wondered what on earth I could have in there that was causing such havoc? I wondered if something was snuck into my purse? Then I wondered if I would ever get to India at all? That's when I heard one of the workers say, "Lighten up, it's only a water bottle. There are bigger things to worry about..." He handed me back my purse as I apologized for my inconvenient addiction to water. He sympathized. ;)
That trouble-some carry on bag, my purse & I made our way around for the next few hours in the airport. I made a few calls to people back home, as I hung up I realized just how alone I was & how far away the voices on the other end had seemed. I dug in my carry on bag to look through the snacks a sweet friend had given me for my trip. I wasn't even hungry, it just felt comforting knowing where they came from...
I sat & watched as people ran from one side of the airport to the other. Sometimes it was strictly entertaining & other times it was like rooting for the underdog to make it in time! I watched as people began to sit in the area of those who were boarding the same flight as I was. I wondered what each of their stories entailed. I like people-watching, for a girl like me this was heaven on earth...
A man who seemed to be middle-aged sat across from me & fell asleep while waiting to board our flight. I wondered what must have caused him to be so tired? I noted that he was traveling light & figured he must not be going far. A man who acted more like a boy sat across from me a few seats down, inappropriately talking on the phone with someone about the strip club he had just been to. To much of our dismay, he did not fail to leave out any of the indecent detail.
Just as I was about to move & sit somewhere else I realized that the man sitting next to me had been staring at the word written on my hand. He noticed that I had seen him staring & said, "You're not from the Middle East are you?" The tone of his words sounded heavy & demeaning; before I could inform him that the word, was indeed, of an African language, he had already turned his back. That's when I noticed that at some point a girl had sat next to me who was on the phone, speaking in a language unknown to me, that would be the only conversation she would have.
I turned back towards the man who had turned his back to me, only to see an Arab man making his way down the aisle to get a seat. I realized that nearly every eye was on him. He seemed nervous, I offered a genuine smile as he sat across from me a few seats down. No one sat beside him, I wanted to get up and sit next to him as the man beside me (yes the one who asked me about being Middle-Eastern) moved one seat away from me & did not take his eyes off of the Arab man.
I sat there, across from him, wondering what he must be thinking, what he must be feeling. I watched as way too many eyes watched him. I felt an urge to cry, an urge to sit next to him, I got up to do so - just as we told to prepare for our flight.
I walked away from my seat to get in line to board our flight. I stood there feeling like my carry-on was slightly heavier than before, I felt the emotional sting & disgust from what I had just encountered & experienced just 10 feet away. Now, unfortunately, that reminded me of home: the intolerant attitude towards anything or anyone different than you.
I stood there in line, next to a short, dark-haired, woman. I introduced myself & she did as well, telling me that her name was Sivani. She went on to ask me if I was traveling from the Middle East, I told her no, but that for some reason people have been thinking that lately! ;) I asked her if she was from India (she was) and informed her that I was traveling to India. As we boarded the flight we made promise that we'd wait for each other after the flight to finish our conversation that we had started about our homes, college, India and so on.
If you know me at all - you know that I try to be a person of my word, so I stood there waiting as she got off of the plane. We continued our conversation as we practically ran across the Atlanta airport laughing after every one of our mishaps. After minutes & minutes of running & searching we were finally told that we had to take a train to the baggage claim... A train the airport? Yeah, that was a definitely reminder that Coldwater, Ohio is insanely tiny! Not that I was in need of such a reminder!
Sivani & I exchanged phone numbers & hugs before going separate ways. At that moment I saw a blonde-haired, young looking woman (from the organization I am going to India through.) I greeted her with a hug as she took my luggage & informed me that I wasn't using the correct handle for pulling my luggage. I laughed from either literally thinking it was funny, or realizing just how easier my ventures through the airports would have been knowing that simple fact. Thanks to Susan I now know how to make my ventures in Paris & India a bit smoother. ;)
More soon!
Teresa
Sunday, February 16, 2014
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
Good Ole Southern Soil : Part I
(From 1/29/14)
I apparently wasn't being honest when I said that my next blog would be written from India; but I'm almost as giddy to be able to share with you from the good ole Southern soil! ;) If you know me at all you most likely know that I am a lover of the South. I do not care what part of the South I am in; but if you put me in the South I am one happy girl! :)
In the past few days I have been to two Southern states that I had yet to step foot on: North Carolina & Georgia. A bit more has happened during the past 4 days as well, so I should probably start from the beginning...
Fore-warning, I have a feeling this is going to be just a bit scattered.
I warned you. ;)
Wednesday I left home to head to the Dayton Airport to begin my journey to North Carolina. This was my first time traveling alone, my first time flying, & my first time being away from home for so long (6months.) You can imagine the possible frantic state I could have been in; but to be honest, the only thing I was nervous about was learning how to navigate the airports - I was the person nervous that they would accuse me of having some sort of thing in my bag that wasn't really there at all & have to be searched - fortunately I worried for nothing. ;) I made my way through the Check In, went through security (which went a lot smoother than I had expected), found my gate & then had a good hour wait. That hour wait turned into two hours, but for someone who likes to people watch as much as I do, that flight delay from Dayton to Charlotte was heaven on earth. ;)
It can be interesting, the people that you meet, no matter where you are or what you are doing. I took my aisle seat on the plane & watched as everyone passed me by, I began to think that I was sitting alone when a young looking gentleman walked up to me & said, "I believe I'm sitting next to you Miss." I glanced at his name tag which read "Matthew Shultz: Pilot." I informed him that it was my first time flying & as we took off he looked over at me & said, "Are you sure it's your first time flying? Most people are clenching their seats, you look like you're at complete ease." My Mama has been telling me lately that I do a really good job at not showing fear or stress - apparently she may have been on to something! ;) But to be honest, I didn't only look to be at ease, I felt completely at ease flying in that plane. I was calm, I was at peace. :)
Pilot Matthew and I talked the entire flight, which was only 2 hours, but it felt good being able to share with him & learning about him as well. As we talked I learned that we live just 40minutes apart from each other, this young looking gentleman has been married for 11 years & has 3 adorable sons (who he was kind enough to show me pictures of.) He asked me where I was headed & I, of course, didn't hesitate to tell him that I was flying down to Georgia & would soon be going to Paris & India - which led into an amazing conversation about the Dalit people of India (which he knew about) & modern-day slavery. Before we knew it our flight was ending & I was repeatedly thanking him for being so kind; but by surprise he looked over at me & said, "There's no need for you to thank me, you have a gentle spirit - it was easy to get along with you. And, I need to thank you...Thank you for doing what you're doing in India, most people wouldn't do something like that, especially at your age. I'm impressed, I may not know you, but I'm proud of you." In response to that all I did was say, "Thank you, but no, there's no reason to be proud or impressed with me - all I am doing is what I feel has been on my heart to do. All I am doing is what I believe is God's will for me."
From there he helped me off the plane (I had gotten somewhat light-headed) & helped me navigate my way through the Charlotte, NC Airport to find the baggage claim. Our 3 hours together ended with a photo of Matthew, my constant repeat of "thank you" & a hug.
I was supposed to have a connecting flight from Charlotte to Atlanta - but that connecting flight was cancelled due to the fact that the South struggles with knowing how to handle snow & ice. ;) It's okay, I am not dissing you, you hospitable Southerners - because that very incident left me with several family members & old friends willing to let me to stay with them. I ended up staying with an old family friend, Tasha, who I probably haven't seen since my single-digit years! ;)
I spent Wednesday evening in Charlotte, NC, aside from driving through it - it was my first time to that state! From what I had seen, it was beautiful. I spent that evening with Tasha & her boyfriend Albert, who I am happy to say once played in the Minor Leagues! ... Which, incase you didn't know, is a huge deal for a Baseball fan like myself. Spending time with them talking about our individual past, present & future while eating Mexican food & watching our choice of television shows was a good way to spend the night. I believe that I thanked them well over 100 times for allowing me to be a part of their evening & for being as kind-hearted as they were! :)
I felt that the South was treating me well already...
This had all happened within 1 day and I hadn't even made my way into the state of Georgia.
Teresa :)
I apparently wasn't being honest when I said that my next blog would be written from India; but I'm almost as giddy to be able to share with you from the good ole Southern soil! ;) If you know me at all you most likely know that I am a lover of the South. I do not care what part of the South I am in; but if you put me in the South I am one happy girl! :)
In the past few days I have been to two Southern states that I had yet to step foot on: North Carolina & Georgia. A bit more has happened during the past 4 days as well, so I should probably start from the beginning...
Fore-warning, I have a feeling this is going to be just a bit scattered.
I warned you. ;)
Wednesday I left home to head to the Dayton Airport to begin my journey to North Carolina. This was my first time traveling alone, my first time flying, & my first time being away from home for so long (6months.) You can imagine the possible frantic state I could have been in; but to be honest, the only thing I was nervous about was learning how to navigate the airports - I was the person nervous that they would accuse me of having some sort of thing in my bag that wasn't really there at all & have to be searched - fortunately I worried for nothing. ;) I made my way through the Check In, went through security (which went a lot smoother than I had expected), found my gate & then had a good hour wait. That hour wait turned into two hours, but for someone who likes to people watch as much as I do, that flight delay from Dayton to Charlotte was heaven on earth. ;)
It can be interesting, the people that you meet, no matter where you are or what you are doing. I took my aisle seat on the plane & watched as everyone passed me by, I began to think that I was sitting alone when a young looking gentleman walked up to me & said, "I believe I'm sitting next to you Miss." I glanced at his name tag which read "Matthew Shultz: Pilot." I informed him that it was my first time flying & as we took off he looked over at me & said, "Are you sure it's your first time flying? Most people are clenching their seats, you look like you're at complete ease." My Mama has been telling me lately that I do a really good job at not showing fear or stress - apparently she may have been on to something! ;) But to be honest, I didn't only look to be at ease, I felt completely at ease flying in that plane. I was calm, I was at peace. :)
Pilot Matthew and I talked the entire flight, which was only 2 hours, but it felt good being able to share with him & learning about him as well. As we talked I learned that we live just 40minutes apart from each other, this young looking gentleman has been married for 11 years & has 3 adorable sons (who he was kind enough to show me pictures of.) He asked me where I was headed & I, of course, didn't hesitate to tell him that I was flying down to Georgia & would soon be going to Paris & India - which led into an amazing conversation about the Dalit people of India (which he knew about) & modern-day slavery. Before we knew it our flight was ending & I was repeatedly thanking him for being so kind; but by surprise he looked over at me & said, "There's no need for you to thank me, you have a gentle spirit - it was easy to get along with you. And, I need to thank you...Thank you for doing what you're doing in India, most people wouldn't do something like that, especially at your age. I'm impressed, I may not know you, but I'm proud of you." In response to that all I did was say, "Thank you, but no, there's no reason to be proud or impressed with me - all I am doing is what I feel has been on my heart to do. All I am doing is what I believe is God's will for me."
From there he helped me off the plane (I had gotten somewhat light-headed) & helped me navigate my way through the Charlotte, NC Airport to find the baggage claim. Our 3 hours together ended with a photo of Matthew, my constant repeat of "thank you" & a hug.
I was supposed to have a connecting flight from Charlotte to Atlanta - but that connecting flight was cancelled due to the fact that the South struggles with knowing how to handle snow & ice. ;) It's okay, I am not dissing you, you hospitable Southerners - because that very incident left me with several family members & old friends willing to let me to stay with them. I ended up staying with an old family friend, Tasha, who I probably haven't seen since my single-digit years! ;)
I spent Wednesday evening in Charlotte, NC, aside from driving through it - it was my first time to that state! From what I had seen, it was beautiful. I spent that evening with Tasha & her boyfriend Albert, who I am happy to say once played in the Minor Leagues! ... Which, incase you didn't know, is a huge deal for a Baseball fan like myself. Spending time with them talking about our individual past, present & future while eating Mexican food & watching our choice of television shows was a good way to spend the night. I believe that I thanked them well over 100 times for allowing me to be a part of their evening & for being as kind-hearted as they were! :)
I felt that the South was treating me well already...
This had all happened within 1 day and I hadn't even made my way into the state of Georgia.
Teresa :)
Monday, January 27, 2014
A Passion & A Burden
I've been saying for the past few weeks, which turned into months, that I was going to write a blog & share with you all about my upcoming trip to India. I know that many of you have been asking me to share, and I am finally doing so!
As many of you know, India & the injustice of Modern-Day Slavery have been things that have been on my mind & in my heart for well over a decade. When I became a Christian at the age of 13 I also began to look into organizations, some sort of cause that I could look into. Somewhere along the line I heard about an organization called "Gospel For Asia" & I remember simply thinking, "I like the Gospel & I like Asia." As naïve as that sounds it led me to supporting the organization & supporting a child through it. After a few years of supporting that organization it was brought to my attention about the Dalit people of India & through that I learned about the haunting reality of Modern-Day Slavery.
For the next 2 years I researched everything I could about Modern-Day Slavery, I informed my friends & family about everything I was learning about India & Slavery (to the point where they were incredibly annoyed with me), I studied late abolitionists, I studied current abolitionists. To paint you a picture - in Junior High I was the girl who was walking down the school hallway with 5 books that I was reading - all having to do with those very topics.
At 15 years old I began speaking locally about Modern-Day Slavery. Now, during this time in my life, if you knew me than you know that I was immensely quiet, unbearably shy & a nervous wreck when in front of people. I remember the first time speaking in front of people about this injustice - before hand I was in the bathroom puking because I was so nervous; but I remember the moment that I got up to speak that passion & that burden came to life. The odd thing is that I was a quiet & shy 15 year old; but I had been told several times of my great ability to write & speak. I trusted those who encouraged me with those words - but I trusted God even more, I knew that He was placing this passion & burden on my heart for a reason. I continued to speak, communicated with other abolitionists, helped pass a Bill through Congress; but then I graduated High School & it came to a complete STOP.
When I graduated High School I began tricking myself into thinking that this burden & this passion was too heavy to carry; that it was too heavy of a load. 3 weeks after Graduation I began following another passion of mine - that of film. During the following year & a half I went on many auditions, I was an extra in blockbuster films & I had roles in several independent films.
Last September I applied to ONE college, to Film school & I was accepted within 2 weeks. At this point someone who went to Church with a friend of mine got my number & called me about her recent trip to India - at that point India was the last thing I wanted to hear about, but the burden was still there, it was evident. Starting film school was only a few weeks away & I decided not to go ... I think I sent my family into shock. I spent the next year praying continuously for guidance, peace & that I would do God's will not my own selfish will.
I remember very clearly uttering the words, "God if film school is where you want me - then make that clear; but if India is where you want me then do not allow this passion & burden to subside. If I am not going to do anything with this passion & this burden then please give it to someone else - but if this is Your Will, then do not allow this to leave me. Whatever Your Will is, I am willing." I prayed those similar words daily for a year, I spent many long nights weeping on my bedroom floor. I have love for a place I have never been, I have a burden for a people I have yet to meet & I have a passion for any sense of injustice. I cannot & will not let these things go - they are so much a part of who I am.
I am now scheduled to fly to Georgia this week, & from Georgia I will be going to India for the next 6 months. The next time I write I will be writing from India. :)
As many of you know, India & the injustice of Modern-Day Slavery have been things that have been on my mind & in my heart for well over a decade. When I became a Christian at the age of 13 I also began to look into organizations, some sort of cause that I could look into. Somewhere along the line I heard about an organization called "Gospel For Asia" & I remember simply thinking, "I like the Gospel & I like Asia." As naïve as that sounds it led me to supporting the organization & supporting a child through it. After a few years of supporting that organization it was brought to my attention about the Dalit people of India & through that I learned about the haunting reality of Modern-Day Slavery.
For the next 2 years I researched everything I could about Modern-Day Slavery, I informed my friends & family about everything I was learning about India & Slavery (to the point where they were incredibly annoyed with me), I studied late abolitionists, I studied current abolitionists. To paint you a picture - in Junior High I was the girl who was walking down the school hallway with 5 books that I was reading - all having to do with those very topics.
At 15 years old I began speaking locally about Modern-Day Slavery. Now, during this time in my life, if you knew me than you know that I was immensely quiet, unbearably shy & a nervous wreck when in front of people. I remember the first time speaking in front of people about this injustice - before hand I was in the bathroom puking because I was so nervous; but I remember the moment that I got up to speak that passion & that burden came to life. The odd thing is that I was a quiet & shy 15 year old; but I had been told several times of my great ability to write & speak. I trusted those who encouraged me with those words - but I trusted God even more, I knew that He was placing this passion & burden on my heart for a reason. I continued to speak, communicated with other abolitionists, helped pass a Bill through Congress; but then I graduated High School & it came to a complete STOP.
When I graduated High School I began tricking myself into thinking that this burden & this passion was too heavy to carry; that it was too heavy of a load. 3 weeks after Graduation I began following another passion of mine - that of film. During the following year & a half I went on many auditions, I was an extra in blockbuster films & I had roles in several independent films.
Last September I applied to ONE college, to Film school & I was accepted within 2 weeks. At this point someone who went to Church with a friend of mine got my number & called me about her recent trip to India - at that point India was the last thing I wanted to hear about, but the burden was still there, it was evident. Starting film school was only a few weeks away & I decided not to go ... I think I sent my family into shock. I spent the next year praying continuously for guidance, peace & that I would do God's will not my own selfish will.
I remember very clearly uttering the words, "God if film school is where you want me - then make that clear; but if India is where you want me then do not allow this passion & burden to subside. If I am not going to do anything with this passion & this burden then please give it to someone else - but if this is Your Will, then do not allow this to leave me. Whatever Your Will is, I am willing." I prayed those similar words daily for a year, I spent many long nights weeping on my bedroom floor. I have love for a place I have never been, I have a burden for a people I have yet to meet & I have a passion for any sense of injustice. I cannot & will not let these things go - they are so much a part of who I am.
I am now scheduled to fly to Georgia this week, & from Georgia I will be going to India for the next 6 months. The next time I write I will be writing from India. :)
Monday, October 21, 2013
A Glimpse Into The Past Week
I don't know why most of my mornings & afternoons are wrapped in music, but today is no different. It's breezy & grey outside & the music of NeedToBreathe is playing in my ears while writing this blog & going through mail.
During the past week there were plenty of times that I had an urge to write, moments that I wanted to write & I just didn't. I didn't want to put it off any longer & I have a few pictures to share with you from the past few weeks. :)
First of all, three of my nephews have birthdays this month. Fall seems to be a good time for that. ;) I took two of them out for a birthday celebration last week to Pizza Hut. Ethan turned 12, Nathan turned 6 & tomorrow my nephew Alex is turning 5! I can hardly believe how old they are getting! (More on them in a later blog.)
Birthdays are definitely something worth celebrating, but as of this morning I have something else to celebrate as well! *Drum Roll* ... After only 2 1/2 weeks (when I was told it would take 4-6weeks) my Passport came in the mail today! I've spent some time marveling over it before having to send it off tomorrow to get my Visa! For a lady who has never even flown before, I was pretty excited to see that while opening my mail this afternoon. :)
I know this was quick & slightly scattered (which honestly, makes me cringe) but I will share more very soon! :)
During the past week there were plenty of times that I had an urge to write, moments that I wanted to write & I just didn't. I didn't want to put it off any longer & I have a few pictures to share with you from the past few weeks. :)
First of all, three of my nephews have birthdays this month. Fall seems to be a good time for that. ;) I took two of them out for a birthday celebration last week to Pizza Hut. Ethan turned 12, Nathan turned 6 & tomorrow my nephew Alex is turning 5! I can hardly believe how old they are getting! (More on them in a later blog.)
Birthdays are definitely something worth celebrating, but as of this morning I have something else to celebrate as well! *Drum Roll* ... After only 2 1/2 weeks (when I was told it would take 4-6weeks) my Passport came in the mail today! I've spent some time marveling over it before having to send it off tomorrow to get my Visa! For a lady who has never even flown before, I was pretty excited to see that while opening my mail this afternoon. :)
I know this was quick & slightly scattered (which honestly, makes me cringe) but I will share more very soon! :)
 |
| Birthday Celebration with Ethan & Nathan ;) |
Friday, September 27, 2013
22 & Counting!
I'm sitting here with the sun shining through the window, my dog asleep next to me & Emeli Sande' soulfully singing in my ears. Its been a pretty good morning, no complaints.
For those of you who know me well, you most likely know that I am a lover of anything written. I used to write religiously. Anything that was possible, I tried writing it. Journals, letters, a novel, music, poetry, & over 100 blog entries... which brings me here. I've missed it. And in case you have not noticed - I'm adding all of my entries from a previous blog onto this blog; minus the comments, for some reason those would not transfer over. Unfortunately.
I have wanted to start up blogging again for quite some time (as you can see its been 5 or 6 years now) but somehow "No" always seemed to win the debate. Until now, that is. I decided that this is perfect timing, for no time is better than the present! To be honest, I don't realize it until I take a step back, but the present seems to be FULL of change lately...
- I recently turned 22 years old (7 days ago to be exact!)
Unlike most women in our country, I love the idea of getting older & the new seasons that added years will simply bring to my life.
No, I don't feel older.
Yes, I do feel different. I think that's mainly because I know this upcoming year is going to be one of major change.
- I applied to film school & got accepted for September 2013.
- I made the shocking decision not to go to film school & am currently living at home.
- I bought a new camera to seriously pursue my love of photography (More so a minor change.)
- Upcoming Drivers Test - its been a long time coming. (Major change for both me & other drivers ;) )
- I decided to pursue my burden, love & passion for India/Dalits/Modern Day Slavery & go to India in just 14 WEEKS.
Here I was in the Spring thinking I was preparing for film school in September. Here I am in September preparing to leave for India in 14 weeks. I am excited, anxious, curious & willing to see what this year of 22 brings!
I hope you will follow me on this journey, my simple musings, my photos & stories of people in my life. I hope you'll keep up & share your thoughts. :)
More soon! :)
Teresa
For those of you who know me well, you most likely know that I am a lover of anything written. I used to write religiously. Anything that was possible, I tried writing it. Journals, letters, a novel, music, poetry, & over 100 blog entries... which brings me here. I've missed it. And in case you have not noticed - I'm adding all of my entries from a previous blog onto this blog; minus the comments, for some reason those would not transfer over. Unfortunately.
I have wanted to start up blogging again for quite some time (as you can see its been 5 or 6 years now) but somehow "No" always seemed to win the debate. Until now, that is. I decided that this is perfect timing, for no time is better than the present! To be honest, I don't realize it until I take a step back, but the present seems to be FULL of change lately...
- I recently turned 22 years old (7 days ago to be exact!)
Unlike most women in our country, I love the idea of getting older & the new seasons that added years will simply bring to my life.
No, I don't feel older.
Yes, I do feel different. I think that's mainly because I know this upcoming year is going to be one of major change.
 |
| 21 was pretty good to me :) |
- I made the shocking decision not to go to film school & am currently living at home.
- I bought a new camera to seriously pursue my love of photography (More so a minor change.)
- Upcoming Drivers Test - its been a long time coming. (Major change for both me & other drivers ;) )
- I decided to pursue my burden, love & passion for India/Dalits/Modern Day Slavery & go to India in just 14 WEEKS.
Here I was in the Spring thinking I was preparing for film school in September. Here I am in September preparing to leave for India in 14 weeks. I am excited, anxious, curious & willing to see what this year of 22 brings!
I hope you will follow me on this journey, my simple musings, my photos & stories of people in my life. I hope you'll keep up & share your thoughts. :)
More soon! :)
Teresa
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
One Of Those Weeks...
I don’t know about you, but for me, it’s been “one of those weeks.” One of those weeks that you wish ended as quick as it came; but you know it’s not going to. One of those weeks that leave you crawling in your bed on Monday night weeping because it’s not even close to being over. One of those weeks that leave you fearful of Tuesday just wondering how on earth you’re going to get through. One of those weeks that leave you in time with God saying, “remind me that You’re faitful, don’t let me forget it, I’m desperate for it.” Yeah… I’ve had one of those weeks & it’s only Tuesday.
I’ve been wanting to update for quite a while, but for some unapparent reason I haven’t, I haven’t even written in my journal since September, or even consistently in about a year. That’s so odd for me… but somehow this “week”, (I say “week” because it’s only Tuesday) has led me here, typing again, trying my very best to get every ounce of what I’m feeling & what life is leaving me – onto this thing I call a “blog.”
For some reason I find it easier to write when things aren’t going as I’ve hoped, or when things just leave me weeping in my bed at 11:30 Monday night wishing tomorrow was some other day other than only Tuesday…
Monday was quite a day, I slowly made my way to the van that my Dad & my sister were in, my sister & I were going to be dropped off at my cousin’s house for Lunch like we are everyday. I could tell as soon as I got into the van that something was wrong – my Dad has somehow become a more tender man in the past few years than what I ever thought was possible, & if you know my dad then you know that “tender” was never an easy word to use to describe him, but it’s become harder for him to hide what he’s feeling…. tears come easier & emotions aren’t as easily veiled anymore. As we were driving he looked over at Britt & I & said, “Uncle Donald died. He was in the Hospital, he was very sick & they let him go home Sunday & Sunday night he died in his sleep.” & I just sat there, looking at him repeatedly, wondering if what he said was really true. It was. The only words that seemed to leave my mouth were, “Uncle Donald?” “What was wrong?” “Are we going to the funeral?” “How’s everyone taking it?” “I don’t even know what to think.”
I really didn’t know what to think…. Britt & Uncle Donald, well he’s was our Great Uncle, & him & Britt had gotten close over the past few years. Somehow he seemed like an older, man, version of Britt. They both we’re the joksters, Britt being 16 & him being in his 80′s, they were decades apart but yet extremely close. But for me… Uncle Donald was the man who I saw when I went to Cleveland to visit my Dad’s side of the family, & the man who always made me laugh & told me he loved me even though we didn’t know eachother well. He was the man who just last week I found myself thinking, “I want to visit Uncle Donald & get to know him better.” It tears me up that I didn’t get that chance… because he was always that man that I longed to know, I never got to see him often, but he was one of those men whose child-like spirit was more than evident, & whose love for God was obvious. I am thankful for having him as a part of my life… but it’s more like the memories of seeing him at my Great-Grandma’s 100+ birthday parties instead of sitting with him on a bench in the park discussing our lives. My memories of him can make me laugh, but the memories I don’t have of him make me weep. And I did; I have wept.
I don’t know why but for some reason our car & van seemed to be the place where all “bad news” was spilt yesterday. Britt & I were getting picked up from school, by our Mom this time to go home. & she mentioned Uncle Donald knowing that Dad had told us about him. & then she said, “Did he tell you about your Great Uncle Bob?” & my heart sank. Uncle Bob is to me, what Uncle Donald was to Britt. I got fearful. & I quickly said, “no! What about Uncle Bob?” & she said, “Grandma (my Dad’s Mom, Uncle Donald & Bob’s sister) said he didn’t want you to know, he didn’t even know your Dad knew.” And Britt looked at her & said, “You can mention him & then not tell us what’s going on!” I quickly agreed. And she said, “Teresa, he especially didn’t want you knowing, that’s what Grandma said, she knows how close you two are.” And she took a deep breath & said, “Uncle Bob has cancer. I guess he’s had it for quite some time & hasn’t wanted anyone to know, but he’s not doing well at all right now.” Tears crept into my eyes… without me wanting them there.
Uncle Bob is 85 years old & doesn’t look a day over 50 – my Dad’s side of the family is known for that! If you’ve ever watched “The Cosby Show” my sister & I have giggled over it for years, but he reminds us so much of the man who plays Bill Cosby’s dad. This man has an old soul, & yet knows how to connect with someone as young as me. This is the man who walks in the room & everyone is eager to talk to. He’s the one, who, like his brother Donald, allows God to be so evident in him. He’s the man who calls me unexpectedly & asks me a million questions about my life. He’s the man who Britt & I have a picture with in our Kitchen & I look at it quite frequently saying “I want to go to Chicago to see Bob.” Honestly, he’s the man who resembles the type of man that I’d want to be married to someday. I love the fact that he’s in my life.
So, this “week” has left me in whirlwind… of death, cancer, ‘wish I had’s', & …. doctor visits.
Yes, so, unfortunately, in the midst of this chaos something has happened with my own body that’s left me in a whirlwind. I’ve been getting in contact with doctors & went to the doctors yesterday to have some tests done & will need more done within the next few weeks. I’m not going to get into detail, but please do pray… that’s all I’ll say on that.
Yeah… it’s been one of those weeks.
Teresa
I’ve been wanting to update for quite a while, but for some unapparent reason I haven’t, I haven’t even written in my journal since September, or even consistently in about a year. That’s so odd for me… but somehow this “week”, (I say “week” because it’s only Tuesday) has led me here, typing again, trying my very best to get every ounce of what I’m feeling & what life is leaving me – onto this thing I call a “blog.”
For some reason I find it easier to write when things aren’t going as I’ve hoped, or when things just leave me weeping in my bed at 11:30 Monday night wishing tomorrow was some other day other than only Tuesday…
Monday was quite a day, I slowly made my way to the van that my Dad & my sister were in, my sister & I were going to be dropped off at my cousin’s house for Lunch like we are everyday. I could tell as soon as I got into the van that something was wrong – my Dad has somehow become a more tender man in the past few years than what I ever thought was possible, & if you know my dad then you know that “tender” was never an easy word to use to describe him, but it’s become harder for him to hide what he’s feeling…. tears come easier & emotions aren’t as easily veiled anymore. As we were driving he looked over at Britt & I & said, “Uncle Donald died. He was in the Hospital, he was very sick & they let him go home Sunday & Sunday night he died in his sleep.” & I just sat there, looking at him repeatedly, wondering if what he said was really true. It was. The only words that seemed to leave my mouth were, “Uncle Donald?” “What was wrong?” “Are we going to the funeral?” “How’s everyone taking it?” “I don’t even know what to think.”
I really didn’t know what to think…. Britt & Uncle Donald, well he’s was our Great Uncle, & him & Britt had gotten close over the past few years. Somehow he seemed like an older, man, version of Britt. They both we’re the joksters, Britt being 16 & him being in his 80′s, they were decades apart but yet extremely close. But for me… Uncle Donald was the man who I saw when I went to Cleveland to visit my Dad’s side of the family, & the man who always made me laugh & told me he loved me even though we didn’t know eachother well. He was the man who just last week I found myself thinking, “I want to visit Uncle Donald & get to know him better.” It tears me up that I didn’t get that chance… because he was always that man that I longed to know, I never got to see him often, but he was one of those men whose child-like spirit was more than evident, & whose love for God was obvious. I am thankful for having him as a part of my life… but it’s more like the memories of seeing him at my Great-Grandma’s 100+ birthday parties instead of sitting with him on a bench in the park discussing our lives. My memories of him can make me laugh, but the memories I don’t have of him make me weep. And I did; I have wept.
I don’t know why but for some reason our car & van seemed to be the place where all “bad news” was spilt yesterday. Britt & I were getting picked up from school, by our Mom this time to go home. & she mentioned Uncle Donald knowing that Dad had told us about him. & then she said, “Did he tell you about your Great Uncle Bob?” & my heart sank. Uncle Bob is to me, what Uncle Donald was to Britt. I got fearful. & I quickly said, “no! What about Uncle Bob?” & she said, “Grandma (my Dad’s Mom, Uncle Donald & Bob’s sister) said he didn’t want you to know, he didn’t even know your Dad knew.” And Britt looked at her & said, “You can mention him & then not tell us what’s going on!” I quickly agreed. And she said, “Teresa, he especially didn’t want you knowing, that’s what Grandma said, she knows how close you two are.” And she took a deep breath & said, “Uncle Bob has cancer. I guess he’s had it for quite some time & hasn’t wanted anyone to know, but he’s not doing well at all right now.” Tears crept into my eyes… without me wanting them there.
Uncle Bob is 85 years old & doesn’t look a day over 50 – my Dad’s side of the family is known for that! If you’ve ever watched “The Cosby Show” my sister & I have giggled over it for years, but he reminds us so much of the man who plays Bill Cosby’s dad. This man has an old soul, & yet knows how to connect with someone as young as me. This is the man who walks in the room & everyone is eager to talk to. He’s the one, who, like his brother Donald, allows God to be so evident in him. He’s the man who calls me unexpectedly & asks me a million questions about my life. He’s the man who Britt & I have a picture with in our Kitchen & I look at it quite frequently saying “I want to go to Chicago to see Bob.” Honestly, he’s the man who resembles the type of man that I’d want to be married to someday. I love the fact that he’s in my life.
So, this “week” has left me in whirlwind… of death, cancer, ‘wish I had’s', & …. doctor visits.
Yes, so, unfortunately, in the midst of this chaos something has happened with my own body that’s left me in a whirlwind. I’ve been getting in contact with doctors & went to the doctors yesterday to have some tests done & will need more done within the next few weeks. I’m not going to get into detail, but please do pray… that’s all I’ll say on that.
Yeah… it’s been one of those weeks.
Teresa
Monday, September 22, 2008
Guess Whose 17!?
So, I turned 17 on Saturday.
For some reason that has become something that is extremely odd for me to try to grasp. 17 is still young, it’s terribly young, but yet it shocks me that a whole year has passed again. And honestly, this was quite a year.
Yesterday morning at Church my friend Jess came up to me and jokingly asked, “so, do you feel older?” And I thouht about her question and said, “no, I don’t feel older, but I feel different. It’s weird to think that a whole year has gone by and I’m not too sure if I’m proud of the past year.” And she just looked at me and said “Hmm…” I kind of wish I would’ve answered her question differently. It’s not that my whole year of being 16 was one that I was fully unproud of; even though I struggled off and on with sin, some other things [not necessarily bad things] happened as well. I guess it was an unexpected year.
I don’t feel older… I feel different.
I keep being asked, “how was your birthday?” and the answer I keep giving is, “fine” or “it was okay.” There’s so much thought behind those answers even though those answers themselves aren’t thoughtful. The past 3 days were spent fully on wondering why I wasn’t completely proud of the past year, looking back at the way God stretched me in ways I thought were unimaginable, contemplating the tons of people that I met and their stories, reflecting on what burdens God had brought into my life. Honestly, it’s so weird to think that so much can happen in only 365 days. That doesn’t seem that long, really.
I’m not afraid of this year ahead; infact, I’m eager to see what God has in store and what He allows. This past year has made me realize evenmore that He is not a predictable God, in the sense that we sometimes don’t know what He’s going to allow or what He has planned.
So… I feel different, I grew some, I was stretched some.
I finally began to truly cherish friendships with people my own age; I’ve always leaned towards people who are older then me. I learned that white-water-rafting won’t kill me no matter how fearful I am; well, atleast the first time of experiencing it. I began writing 2 books. I learned that I had a great amount of bitterness towards my Dad because of my childhood. I learned that forgiving someone is truly freeing. I learned that I must try to reconcile relationships even when it feels like I’m the only one trying and willing. I learned that I struggle off and on with slight depression. I learned that I view, even the word “depression” as weakness. I found out that I truly love my family and cherish them. I found that my 9 neices and nephews grow up fast and that it makes me cry. I realized that it my deepest time of hurt and confusion I ran to God. One of my siblings tried to commit suicide. I almost lost the person in my life that I’m closest to. I’ve realized that I find myself on the floor face down weeping and praying when I’m most broken or desperate. I noticed that I truly am blessed with my Church family. I was blessed with new and amazing friendships and I haven’t been able to say that for years. I took 2 cooking classes. I learned that I sometimes pull myself away from something new because I doubt myself. I learned that I like some Chinese foods. I felt what it means to really miss someone. I went for a year without seeing my best friend – states away makes that a sad fact. I let go of the dream of becoming a musician. I’ve cried myself to sleep more this year than I ever have in my lifetime. I wondered if I fell too far away from God. I’ve learned that I’m super weak. I’ve learned that with Christ I’m strong.
I’ve decided that I want to go to Bryan College. I thought that maybe I would re-plan my trip to India through Gospel For Asia for the Summer after I graduate. I began to speak about Modern-Day Slavery and even contacted a Congressman. I fought for a petition about Modern-Day Slavery. I felt like I wasted my summer and wept on my Kitchen floor over it. I decided that I want to be a foster mom at some point in my life after befriending a family full of foster kids. This Summer I met 3 new friends from India, one who was even involved in Gospel For Asia. I met a Hindu who shunned me after he heard I was a Christian.
God gave me a sometimes unbearble burden over India & also Modern Day Slavery.I got fearful that sin was going to lead me to falling away from Christ – then I prayed instead of allowing myself to think that over and over again. I thought about going counceling. I began to believe that clouds are painted against the sky and not actual moving created things. I realized that I really hate it when people joke about drugs. I cried when I thought no one was looking. Had my friend Renny from India grasp my hands and look me in the eyes and say, “You can go to India, but know that you may not make it, you may not come back” it made me even more fearful. I’ve prayed to God almost weekly that my sibling who tried to commit suicide will still be there when I wake up in the morning. I began to love wearing flats. I started liking skinny jeans. I’ve made myself question why I believe what I believe. I learned about William Wilberforce and Zach Hunter. I’ve realized that I really really really miss writing music. I began to write poetry. I’ve re-learned that Tennessee is my favorite state. I wanted to learn to play the drums. Felt fear. Felt like I’ve succeeded. I felt left out. I’ve questioned if someone meant more to me then I did to them. I watched God change me. I watched the struggle with sin change me. I struggled with nightmares about India & also Modern-Day Slavery.I prayed and wept over the Hindi man who shunned me. My morals challenged a teacher of mine and he decided to stop cussing in class.
I learned that at some point I want to live in India, not only go for mission trips through GFA. As much as I convince myself that the world’s view of me means nothing to me, I’ve realized that at times it really does. I learned that I try to defend my sin and myself before God. I realized that I don’t have a defense when I’m before Him. I went on a missions trip to Tennessee. A homeless man changed my life and made me weep. I cried over India countless times. I prayed for a young girl I love but have never met. An adult man told me that he looked up to me. My 5th neice was born, which makes 9 neices and nephews. I went horse-back riding. I almost when bungee jumping. I learned to trust fully that God is near even when I want to doubt it. I’ve learned that my days don’t feel the same if I don’t spend time with God in the mornings like I like to. I got furious with God. I realized that I probably don’t have a right to be angry with God. I questioned if God was only angry at me. I feared God’s anger. I realized God is graceful and merciful. I’ve become unafraid of being vunerable and saying, “Be near me God and help me.”
This year was so full… it was full of brokenness, hope, restoration, frusteration, meeting new people, burdens for slaves and India, meeting friends from India. May the year to come be even more.
Teresa
For some reason that has become something that is extremely odd for me to try to grasp. 17 is still young, it’s terribly young, but yet it shocks me that a whole year has passed again. And honestly, this was quite a year.
Yesterday morning at Church my friend Jess came up to me and jokingly asked, “so, do you feel older?” And I thouht about her question and said, “no, I don’t feel older, but I feel different. It’s weird to think that a whole year has gone by and I’m not too sure if I’m proud of the past year.” And she just looked at me and said “Hmm…” I kind of wish I would’ve answered her question differently. It’s not that my whole year of being 16 was one that I was fully unproud of; even though I struggled off and on with sin, some other things [not necessarily bad things] happened as well. I guess it was an unexpected year.
I don’t feel older… I feel different.
I keep being asked, “how was your birthday?” and the answer I keep giving is, “fine” or “it was okay.” There’s so much thought behind those answers even though those answers themselves aren’t thoughtful. The past 3 days were spent fully on wondering why I wasn’t completely proud of the past year, looking back at the way God stretched me in ways I thought were unimaginable, contemplating the tons of people that I met and their stories, reflecting on what burdens God had brought into my life. Honestly, it’s so weird to think that so much can happen in only 365 days. That doesn’t seem that long, really.
I’m not afraid of this year ahead; infact, I’m eager to see what God has in store and what He allows. This past year has made me realize evenmore that He is not a predictable God, in the sense that we sometimes don’t know what He’s going to allow or what He has planned.
So… I feel different, I grew some, I was stretched some.
I finally began to truly cherish friendships with people my own age; I’ve always leaned towards people who are older then me. I learned that white-water-rafting won’t kill me no matter how fearful I am; well, atleast the first time of experiencing it. I began writing 2 books. I learned that I had a great amount of bitterness towards my Dad because of my childhood. I learned that forgiving someone is truly freeing. I learned that I must try to reconcile relationships even when it feels like I’m the only one trying and willing. I learned that I struggle off and on with slight depression. I learned that I view, even the word “depression” as weakness. I found out that I truly love my family and cherish them. I found that my 9 neices and nephews grow up fast and that it makes me cry. I realized that it my deepest time of hurt and confusion I ran to God. One of my siblings tried to commit suicide. I almost lost the person in my life that I’m closest to. I’ve realized that I find myself on the floor face down weeping and praying when I’m most broken or desperate. I noticed that I truly am blessed with my Church family. I was blessed with new and amazing friendships and I haven’t been able to say that for years. I took 2 cooking classes. I learned that I sometimes pull myself away from something new because I doubt myself. I learned that I like some Chinese foods. I felt what it means to really miss someone. I went for a year without seeing my best friend – states away makes that a sad fact. I let go of the dream of becoming a musician. I’ve cried myself to sleep more this year than I ever have in my lifetime. I wondered if I fell too far away from God. I’ve learned that I’m super weak. I’ve learned that with Christ I’m strong.
I’ve decided that I want to go to Bryan College. I thought that maybe I would re-plan my trip to India through Gospel For Asia for the Summer after I graduate. I began to speak about Modern-Day Slavery and even contacted a Congressman. I fought for a petition about Modern-Day Slavery. I felt like I wasted my summer and wept on my Kitchen floor over it. I decided that I want to be a foster mom at some point in my life after befriending a family full of foster kids. This Summer I met 3 new friends from India, one who was even involved in Gospel For Asia. I met a Hindu who shunned me after he heard I was a Christian.
God gave me a sometimes unbearble burden over India & also Modern Day Slavery.I got fearful that sin was going to lead me to falling away from Christ – then I prayed instead of allowing myself to think that over and over again. I thought about going counceling. I began to believe that clouds are painted against the sky and not actual moving created things. I realized that I really hate it when people joke about drugs. I cried when I thought no one was looking. Had my friend Renny from India grasp my hands and look me in the eyes and say, “You can go to India, but know that you may not make it, you may not come back” it made me even more fearful. I’ve prayed to God almost weekly that my sibling who tried to commit suicide will still be there when I wake up in the morning. I began to love wearing flats. I started liking skinny jeans. I’ve made myself question why I believe what I believe. I learned about William Wilberforce and Zach Hunter. I’ve realized that I really really really miss writing music. I began to write poetry. I’ve re-learned that Tennessee is my favorite state. I wanted to learn to play the drums. Felt fear. Felt like I’ve succeeded. I felt left out. I’ve questioned if someone meant more to me then I did to them. I watched God change me. I watched the struggle with sin change me. I struggled with nightmares about India & also Modern-Day Slavery.I prayed and wept over the Hindi man who shunned me. My morals challenged a teacher of mine and he decided to stop cussing in class.
I learned that at some point I want to live in India, not only go for mission trips through GFA. As much as I convince myself that the world’s view of me means nothing to me, I’ve realized that at times it really does. I learned that I try to defend my sin and myself before God. I realized that I don’t have a defense when I’m before Him. I went on a missions trip to Tennessee. A homeless man changed my life and made me weep. I cried over India countless times. I prayed for a young girl I love but have never met. An adult man told me that he looked up to me. My 5th neice was born, which makes 9 neices and nephews. I went horse-back riding. I almost when bungee jumping. I learned to trust fully that God is near even when I want to doubt it. I’ve learned that my days don’t feel the same if I don’t spend time with God in the mornings like I like to. I got furious with God. I realized that I probably don’t have a right to be angry with God. I questioned if God was only angry at me. I feared God’s anger. I realized God is graceful and merciful. I’ve become unafraid of being vunerable and saying, “Be near me God and help me.”
This year was so full… it was full of brokenness, hope, restoration, frusteration, meeting new people, burdens for slaves and India, meeting friends from India. May the year to come be even more.
Teresa
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